Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Real Examples of Times Living in NYC Almost Broke Me, or: Maybe Taylor Swift is a Liar?

Disclaimer: I know this post has very little to do with pop culture, which is kind of the point of this here blog (if there is one), but since when have I paid attention to the "rules" of "blogging"? And, if you must know, when I was younger almost all that I knew about living in New York City came from watching Felicity. When I finally moved here, I learned VERY QUICKLY that NYC was not all creepily following around the boy you have a crush on but only talked to once, or wearing turtlenecks all the time even in the summer, or time traveling (Felicity took some risks in that last season, amirite??). No, living in NYC was REAL. And I mean that in the best way and also the most horrifying way. So that kind of counts, right?

A List of Times Living in NYC Almost Broke Me:

(Because the lyrics to that Taylor Swift song should really be: "Welcome to New York, it's been waiting...to crush your dreams and chip away at your soul bit by bit until you're really just a shell of your former self and sometimes you don't even have the energy to put a bra on in the morning because hey, life in this city can be trying." 

But she's the wordsmith here, so what do I know?)

me, sometimes

That time I tripped and face-planted in the middle of Penn Station during morning rush hour.

That time I had my credit card stolen by a person who went on an extravagant shopping spree at Macy's and ate $100 worth of burritos and I was terrified my identity was going to be stolen but also a little jealous.

That time I was in a really small coffee shop and knocked over some lady's papers with my giant purse and held up an entire line of people trying to leave.

That time I got hit by a car and spilled my coffee all over the hood and cursed off the driver and then ran to my office and cried in the bathroom.

That time I got bedbugs.

That time I got bedbugs and had huge bite marks on my face and had to go to my first day of work at a new job.

That time I got bedbugs and went to a friend's party for NYE but had to bring a trash bag for my coat.

That time I was so sad about being unemployed that I got a salsa stain on my pajama bottoms but I wore them for three consecutive days after that because they were red and I thought: It blends in, who cares?

That time when I got in a cab and started crying to my driver that my birthday was ruined because my friend got too drunk, but probably I was the drunk one.

That time I paid $3 for a regular coffee.

That time I paid $7 for a chocolate milkshake. 

That time the cashier at Trader Joe's told me not to feel bad about being single on Valentine's Day because I'd find love when I least expected it.

That time I decided moving back into Manhattan would be a good change for me and then I got in my bed the first night in my new apartment and I could feel the bass from the restaurant downstairs pulsing through my body.

That time I got lost in Queens during a heatwave trying to go see the last Harry Potter movie and I walked out onto the highway to stop a cab but he drove around me and I flipped him off. 

That time I had to watch a grown woman barf on the subway.

That time I had to watch a woman breast feed her four year old son on the subway.

That time when that guy on the subway asked me why I don't care more about the situation in Iraq and I got off the train even though it wasn't my stop.

That time I got a new microwave but it was delivered to the building across the street and I had to carry it back to my apartment by myself and I seriously considered leaving it.

That time I accidentally walked into a civil rights protest when all I was trying to do was buy a space heater at Home Depot.

That time my roommate and I were at the laundromat and a homeless man walked in and the owner started yelling at him and then sprayed him with a hose until he left and we were frozen in horror.

That time I slipped on a patch of ice in front of my apartment and kept slipping the more I tried to stand up, until eventually I had to grab on to the wrought iron fence and drag myself to safety.

Monday, December 8, 2014

A Pop Culture Grab Bag, of sorts

Friends, countrymen, archenemies who don't know you're my archenemies because I'm really good at pretending to like people when in actuality I hate them with the fiery passion of 1,000 burning suns: I'm back.

I'm not even going to apologize for being away for so long–read every other one of my posts for that–this time I have a real excuse: I've been writing TV recaps for the Entertainment Weekly Community Blog! That's right, I've made it to the big leagues and decided to leave all you peasants in the dust. 

Just kidding, I love you! But seriously, writing for those folks has taken up a lot of my "free writing time" and I refuse to give up ANY one of my "free 10 hours on a weekend to watch episodes of Supernatural". I just won't do it. I have principles.

But anyways, I missed you guys and although EW does allow me to fly my freak flag every once and awhile, I know I can truly be myself here on IDFBAI. You guys accept me for the freak bitch that I am! 

Since I haven't updated at all this fall, I figured I'd just give you a little rundown of some of the things I've gotten really into since we last met. And thus, I present to you: 

The I Don't Feel Bad About It Fall Pop Culture Grab Bag:

Arrow and The Flash

Big news, people: I watch super hero shows on the CW now. I'M THAT PERSON. But no, these two shows are actually great. Arrow is smoldering and serious and romantic and it's probably the only show I legit squeal at on a weekly basis (OLICITY!). The Flash is a bit lighter and really fun and Grant Gustin can charm the pants off of probably anyone, including Jesse L Martin. Both shows do a nice job of not making us non-comic book geeks feel like dummies. You can enjoy them without knowing much of the canon, so I highly suggest watching no matter what your feeling towards comic books may be. 

Start with Arrow because this happens a lot:


That's right, I totally jumped on the Serial podcast bandwagon and I'm loving every minute of it! It's completely fascinating on so many levels. One of those levels is definitely what the implications are to having a society that is obsessive over a pretty grim murder case so much to the point that lines of reality and entertainment are completely blurred and are we just like 5 steps away from The Hunger Games? But other than that, I'm totally on board. 

One thing I will say for Serial, its episodes all clock in around 30 minutes to an hour, which makes them great to have on while you're working out. That is, until you get to episode 9 and start crying on the elliptical. I learned this the hard way.

Taylor Swift's new album, 1989

I hear her music everywherein the trees, in the rivers and ponds, in the face of that old lady who hangs out by my subway stop selling churros. Swift is eternal. This album is MY JAM. 

The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo

First, a disclaimer: I really do read adult level books, too. In fact, right now I'm reading a rousing biography about King Edward VII, so, I guess, you can suck it, haters. 

Now, the Grisha Trilogy. This is a young adult book series that I was kind of on the fence about until the last book (Ruin and Rising). Don't get me wrong, book one (Shadow and Bone) and book two (Siege and Storm) are pretty good too, but man, that last one was brilliant. It cut to the core of me. And that's a big deal in and of itself because it's been awhile since I've read a YA series that's only gotten better with each installment. 

Oh, so what's it about? It's basically like if the Harry Potter books and The Hunger Games series had a kid and then that kid had a Russian cousin, that Russian cousin would be The Grisha Trilogy. That cousin is maybe not AS smart as his aunt and uncle, but all three of them would totally have a group text going just ragging on how dumb Divergent and Twilight are. You know what I mean? 

Being obsessed with candles.

Not pop culture related, but I think you should all understand the very fragile state of mind I'm in at the moment. I mean, who gets obsessed with lighting candles? Butlers from the 1700s and terrible people, that's who. Don't worry, I hate myself on your behalf. 

Prep for my epic trip to the Harry Potter Studio in England.

You read that rightthis month, I'll be trekking my butt over the Atlantic to visit the hallowed ground where they filmed all 8 of the Harry Potter movies. If you're not jealous after reading that last sentence, I'm worried you're illiterate and we should probably talk about that. 

Anyway, this place has everything. I'll be buying wands, drinking butter beer, maybe even getting sorted. But I swear to fucking God, if I get put in Hufflepuff I will burn that place to the ground. TO THE GROUND. 

I feel ya, bro.

You know, the more I look back at this list, the more I realize I've spent this fall slowly turning into a really horrible human being.  I'm sorry everyone, I'm just a huge candle-loving disappointment who deserves to be put in Hufflepuff, I guess (NEVER!).

But you'll all take me as I am, right? That's the deal we have, RIGHT?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A PSA: You should be watching Teen Wolf

Before we begin, a little note on how I ended up becoming obsessed with Teen Wolf: I simply needed a fun summer show to kill some time. Something to put on while I was painting my nails or waiting for enough of So You Think You Can Dance? to record so that I could fast forward through commercials.  I wasn’t looking to become obsessed. 

Like many of you, I’m sure, when MTV announced in 2011 it was producing a remake of the classic Michael J. Fox movie I outright laughed. Whyyyyy? Why are we just remaking old things? Why do people want to watch a show about a teenage wolf good at basketball? IS NOTHING SACRED?! But over the years the show kept getting renewed and I kept reading not horrible things about it. It was on my radar. 

Then I saw that seasons 1 through 3 were available on Amazon Instant. FOR FREE. I was in. Also, new Teen Wolf plays lacrosse because that’s way cooler than basketball. So I’m told. I’m learning a lot.

Moral of the story: I’ll watch anything for free no matter how much I vowed to hate it. I have no principles, get over it.

Then something happened: I became a woman. Wait, no, that’s a different story involving wolves. For another day!

Then something happened: I starting watching Teen Wolf and I couldn’t stop. It was actually a GOOD show and it kept getting BETTER. I blew through the previous seasons and now I’m watching in real time with all of my teenage friends (who are imaginary) and I don’t even paint my nails while I watch. 


As you all know, teenagers scare the shit out of me anyway, so, in all fairness why wouldn't I like a show where the teenagers are supposed to scare the shit out of me? It was kind of a no-brainer.

Before you start hating on me as I know you’re wont to do, just hear me out. Also, I’ll try not to spoil too much because I know in my heart-of-hearts some of you will read this and begin watching immediately, but there may be some light spoiling. For my thoughts on spoiling, read this. (In summation, I don't give a shit.)

Now, here is how Teen Wolf won me over and a few reasons why you should try it out too. (If you're only here for the man meat, I understand. Also, scroll to the bottom.)

1. It’s smart and funny and somehow tricks teens into watching “issue” stories without knowing it.

To be honest, when I first started watching Teen Wolf, I was worried it was going to turn into this whole dramatic teen love story which - BARF CITY, USA. And although there is an element of that (titular teen wolf, Scott McCall (Tyler Posey), falls for Allison Argent (Crystal Reed), a girl who - gasp - is part of a family of ancient werewolf hunters), it doesn’t become the only important story. It’s really a show about figuring out who you are, what matters to you, and how far you’re willing to go to fight for those things.  

Honest sidebar: I just read that paragraph back and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s such a smart show. First, smart in a technical way: the pacing is perfection (teenagers get bored, you guys! I blame snap chat.), the dialogue is snappy, the structure of episode and season arcs is really tight, and for a drama, it is seriously, seriously funny at times.  I mean, a few so-called TV comedies could learn a thing about comedic timing from this show. 

But it’s also smart in the way that it tells typical “teen” stories. It disguises them beneath all the supernatural craziness and hot people making out, but those teen issues - teen/parent relationships, depression, sexuality, peer pressure, bullying - all of those issues are still discussed but in a way that fits in a supernatural show. It just takes a super smart adult like myself to realize what’s going on - those stupid teenagers have no idea! Dummies! (Just kidding, love ya, text me, laterrrz)

wolfing around town.

For example, there is an episode that takes place in a haunted motel (just go with it), where people who stay overnight become some kind of possessed and try to off themselves. It’s a completely terrifying episode - especially when our hero Scott COVERS HIMSELF IN GASOLINE and has to be talked down from lighting himself on fire by his friends. It’s emotional and scary and at the end of it I realized, holy shit, they just did an “it gets better” episode without really doing an “it gets better” episode. It’s like when you’re a kid and your mom hides medicine in piece of a really delicious PB&J. 

What I’m saying is, I’m really glad this is the show teenagers are deciding to watch because it doesn’t dumb things down and it certainly doesn’t shy away from important issues teens are dealing with just because it is a show about werewolves. 

2. It has one of the greatest TV bromances of all time.

Ah, Scott and Stiles (Dylan O’Brien). Stiles and Scott. They’re the bestest of friends! They’re brothers, ya know? They take care of each other. They make each other laugh. They keep each other in check. They challenge one another. They love each other and don’t care who knows it! I mean, back to that suicide ep, you guys: Stiles was crying, I was crying, WE WERE ALL CRYING. It really is such an accurate and refreshing portrayal of male friendship, and I would know because in my free time I creepily watch a lot of male friendships blossom. 

they're just bros who love each other.

another sidebar: Is Stiles one of the greatest beings on television right now? Dylan O’Brien is a REVELATION. When I was talking about comedic timing, I was mainly talking about him. But then, THEN you get to season 3B and he shines in a dramatic arc (he gets possessed by an evil Japanese spirit and goes on a killing spree, obvi). Get that kid cast in everything ever (The Maze Runner this September, anyone, anyone?). Mama says you’re gonna be a star, kid! 

3. It features some of the strongest, most badass female characters on TV.

This, I think, is where Teen Wolf really shines. The show is just full of these amazingly rich and strong female characters. Again, you would assume the Wolf would be the hero and would just be strutting around town saving damsels in distress left and right. Wrong. Remember when I said this show is smart? 

The aforementioned Allison Argent is first introduced as a love interest for Scott, but when she discovers her family’s history as badass wolf hunters, she take a shining to it. She turns into a sick bow-and-arrow wielding huntress and saves the guys repeatedly. Not to mention, that wolf hunting family she comes from? They’re matriarchal, so it’s always a woman making decisions. 

Allison’s best friend is Lydia (Holland Roden). When we first meet Lydia, she’s presented as the pretty, popular girl - all parties and boys and clothes. It doesn’t take long, however, to discover that Lydia is actually a genius - like an archaic latin-speaking, math wiz, chemist extraordinaire genius. It’s such a cool and fun twist on the cliche popular girl character. See, kids? Learn how to speak a dead language and you, too, can date the hot captain of the lacrosse team! 

You can look cute and kick ass (and be smart!).

All of Teen Wolf’s main female characters rise above cliches. Later on, you get a Were-Coyote who doesn’t take no shit from anyone, a delightfully awkward but deadly teen-turned-Kitsune (it’s a thing), and a super sexy, badass mercenary, who is totally cool with selling out to the highest bidder. A lot of these roles would normally either be given to a guy or made one-dimensional. Even a lot of the villains are women. Though, I guess that’s not as surprising because, well, bitches be crazy.

4. The parents on this show are the best. 

Speaking of ladies, Scott’s mom, Melissa (Melissa Ponzio), is another great female character. Sure, she’s understandably scared and confused when she discovers what has happened to her son, (the episode right after, when she can’t even look at him, is just so heartbreaking and true to life - I mean, true to how I would assume most mothers would deal with their sons being turned into werewolves), but she learns to trust him again (DING DING - another example of Teen Wolf commenting on teen issues without, ya know, commenting on teen issues). She also is a pretty smart and fearless chick. I love those moments when she does something insanely brave and Scott just looks at her in awe, so proud of his Moms. 

Also, Stiles and his dad (Linden Ashby). I CAN’T WITH THOSE TWO. Stiles and his dad bring me joy and laughter and tears and love and basically just adopt me, OK? 

Parents hug their kids on this show and I think that's great.

5. ABS!

Listen, MTV knows their audience is primarily teen girls and a 29-year-old creeper with needs.  Play to your audience. 

But for real, these abs:

Derek (Tyler Hoechlin): the older, wiser, more ab-filled werewolf.
Also, these are abs:

Just hanging out in your typical high school locker room.
More abs:

Um, they're twins.
And, I, uhhh:

are people even reading the captions at this point?

I could go on, but I need to take a cold shower and you need to do yourself a favor and watch some Teen Wolf - somewhat for the strong female characters and smart storytelling, but also for the abs. 

*I, regretfully, take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Mother's Day is this weekend! I have a mom, but am not a mother myself. Though sometimes I do fear that I could be pregnant and not know it and I'll be forced to do a hilariously tragic reenactment of my own story on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant because in all honesty, I'm really bad at tracking my period and sometimes I do have really large dumps and things could go unnoticed. 

But anyway, Motherhood is beautiful and moms are the best. I probably have the best mom. She puts up with my crazy (see above paragraph) and doesn't even get paid for it. In fact, she still pays my cell phone bill! It's really a win-win for me and a lose-lose for her, but that's motherhood in a nutshell, I guess.

To celebrate moms all over the world, I thought I could talk about some of my favorite fictional moms. Before I start I'd like to say that Clair Huxtable is actually my favorite fictional mom of all time, but I went into my love for Mrs. H ad nauseam in a previous post, so I'll save you from that. Just know that I think sassiness is the number 1 greatest trait a mother can have. Also, two of the main reasons I want to have kids is so that one, I can give them delicious side eye and two, I can force them to lip sync to classic Motown songs in our living room. Clair Huxtable taught me that. I LOVE YOU CLAIR! 


Molly Weasley

Obviously, Mrs. Weasley is great because of the whole killing Bellatrix LeStrange thing but there are some less obvious reasons I love her whole-heartedly. First of all, she snagged that tall drink of ginger water, Arthur Weasley as her husband. WELL DONE, YOU. I feel like her marriage to Arthur really demonstrates her passion for the ginger cause. Gingers have to marry gingers to keep the ginger gene alive. I would prefer to marry a ginger, but I would step aside if it meant two gingers procreating. I JUST DON'T WANT TO EVER LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT GINGERS, OK?

Additionally, Mrs. Weasley is an excellent knitter. Those sweaters the Weasley kids get for Christmas every year? Those babies would sell for like $120 easy in Williamsburg. Hipsters love ugly things. Mrs. W would be making bank. She's savvy, is all I'm saying. 

In conclusion, she seems like a great mom and is obviously a good lay, as she and Mr. W have 900 kids. Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. Weasley!

A SEMI-HONEST SIDEBAR: I might also consider putting Narcissa Malfoy on this list because, at least in the movies, she has SICK hair. But you know who I would NEVER put on this list? Lily Potter. Lily Potter is the worst mom. I get that she was like super kick ass and really pretty and nice to pasty people but I'M SORRY, she up and DIED. If the Dark Lord is after your kid WHY DO YOU STAY AT YOUR OWN HOUSE?!? He'll figure it out eventually he is THE DARK LORD. I would think even a semi-Dark Lord would try your place of residence first. Here's an idea, Potters, go into hiding and don't tell ANYONE. Then you don't need a secret keeper in the first place. ON TOP OF DYING, Lily Potter then proceeds to basically haunt her son who is extremely busy with trying to stop said Dark Lord AS WELL AS get a decent grade on his OWLS. Get a grip woman, stop hiding out in mirrors and crossed wand streams and magical gemstones. 

Lucille Bluth 

Out of all the moms on my list, I think Lucille and I would make the best mother/daughter team. We share the same love for alcohol in the morning, we have the same winking prowess, we both need help zipping up our dresses. Two peas in a pod. 

Tami Taylor 

What's not to love about Tami Taylor? The hair. The aviators. The y'alls. You know when I love Tami Taylor most? That part in the opening credits when she dances with her arms in the air. You know the part. Tami is my relationship guru and she totally deserves a way better daughter than Brat McBangs, Julie Taylor. I completely get why Tami was trying to replace Julie with Tyra Collette in Season 1. Why she gave up on that game, I'll never know. (J/K, Jules! You know I'd totally be friends with you and Matt! Or, at least, neighbors who like, barbecue together every once and awhile.)

Daenerys Targaryen

Khaleesi is the MOTHER OF DRAGONS, people. I don't care how many kids you have or how terrible those kids are, nothing trumps raising three dragons. Thinking of the grocery bill alone gives me heart palpitations! Raw meat in those kinds of quantities cannot be cheap. Also, I bet she spends a TON of cash on aquaphor, because moms are always the ones left to take care of their kids' skin problems. Blech! Scales! Not to mention, in her down time, Khaleesi's number one hobby is freeing slaves. Talk about a woman who does it all! In fact, if I were in charge of Hollywood right now, I'd do a remake of that movie I Don't Know How She Does It but replace Sarah Jessica Parker with Khaleesi. It would have the same basic storyline, but take place in a desert. 

Mrs. George 

Because she's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom.

Moms should be celebrated all the time. They give you good hugs, they make sure you drink the good wine not the cheap stuff, they'll bring you hoagies in bed when you call the house phone and order one from your cellphone hungover in the room upstairs, they remind you that you're good and smart and beautiful even when you're not being any of those things. Moms make you feel special, so we should make them feel special. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MOMS BOTH REAL AND FICTIONAL! Keep on keepin' on.

*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Monday, March 31, 2014


Sometimes I love out loud (Ben Affleck, 90s Boy Bands, drinking wine alone). But sometimes I have a love that is so precious to me, I'm scared what making that love known to the world might do to its preciousness. I don't want it to be stolen in the night like some emerald necklace I own and I wear out only to have it featured in the society pages and then some jewel thief hides on the back of my carriage and takes it right off my neck and also it's raining and we're in 1890s England. I just can't handle that kind of loss. 

What I'm saying is I'm ready to share this love with you because I'm such a good person, but it's mine, you get it? Do not steal this love from me. It looks better on me anyway. 

YOU GUUUUUUUUYS. For a long time I've harbored a mega-crush on one Mister Jeremy Irons. It is a love that ebbs and flows like the tides in its strength, but it is a constant love. When I'm my truest self, I can't deny a part of my heart belongs to him.

I mean....


Though I think this older Jeremy Irons is closer to my ideal Irons:


When I really think about it, maybe it isn't the most unusual love to have. Obviously, everyone who watched The Lion King growing up fell in love with Scar. It's a no-brainer. I don't really know how to do percentages but I would assume that for about 76% of people in my generation Scar was their first sexual crush.


And I don't know, this is all off-the-cuff brainstorming but I wouldn't be opposed to making my boyfriend wear a giant lion headpiece and playing "Be Prepared!" on repeat in the background as we make sweet lion love. I'm not saying it's mandatory, but I am putting it out there.

Though The Lion King might be where the seed was planted, what really did it for me was Jeremy Irons in Elizabeth I.

someone photoshop me over Mirren and I'll be yours forever.

If you haven't seen that mini-series - find it and watch it. Needless to say, Helen Mirren fucking rocks it out and the Mirren/Irons sexual tension is PALPABLE. Great, now I want to go and watch it. 

I think it's just that whole sexy english professor vibe he has going:

Your paper's due at the end of the week and it counts towards 30% of your grade!

Though for the record, I'd rather not marry an english professor, mainly because, would he be correcting my grammar and quoting Paradise Lost all day? It's a risk I just can't take at this juncture. I would however, be up for marrying an anthropology professor because he'd probably be super nerdy but lovable and possibly take me on some weird vacations through the jungle, which is like, once in a lifetime. Also, I'd get to wear some really cute floppy hats.

Anyways, back to the Irons at hand: 

We'd drink so much tea together. It would be paradise.

Let's talk about that VOICE. It's everything I need in a voice. Esteemed biographer Wikipedia says:

"[Jeremy Irons] serves as the English language version of the audio guide for Westminster Abbey in London."

I don't know if this is currently true or was ever true and I refuse to do additional research BUT if he is or was in fact the voice of the Westminster Abbey audio tour, I think I speak for us all when I ask the obvious: So like, how are more people not orgasming while taking a tour through Westminster Abbey?

It just seems like it'd be an epidemic at this point.

Another, possibly often overlooked, thing to love about Jeremy Irons is that his last name is Irons. How cool is that? I'd like to marry him if for nothing more than so that my kid will have the last name Irons. Could you imagine running for student council with a last name like that? Here are some ideas for campaign posters off the top of my head: 




Sure, they don't make complete sense but teenagers are swayed by semi-clever wordplay and also my kid's dad is Jeremy Irons and no one with half a brain will vote against the son of Scar/Claus von Bulow.

Speaking of Jeremy Irons' kids, while doing research for this post (by which I mean typing in "Jeremy Irons kids?" into google and clicking on images), I discovered that Jeremy does in fact have a wife and kids and his son Max is currently both breaking into acting AND being very handsome. 

oh hey, jawline.

Now, friends, I am certainly never in favor of breaking up a long-standing and committed marriage, such as the one Jeremy Irons is in. HOWEVER, let's just say HYPOTHETICALLY in some ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, I end up married to Jeremy Irons and stepmother to the guy above. I've really given this some thought and I believe this is how things would most likely go down:

Jeremy and I are happily married and living in the English countryside but Jeremy has to fly to London to re-record a portion of the Westminster Abbey audio tour and he leaves me with Max. Originally, I'm totally the evil stepmother - I get it, I don't want to replace your mother either but you need to respect me! Amidst all the fighting there are knowing glances and eventually we have no choice but to give into the extreme sexual tension between us. This goes on for some time. We probably have a pool house or something where we conveniently meet in secret, I don't know, I haven't worked out all the logistics yet. THEN, one day, Jeremy makes a surprise visit home and discovers stepmother and stepson macking it on the purple chaise lounge we had custom-made in Buenos Aires last winter. Jeremy is shocked! Jeremy is dismayed! After the initial anger dies down, he comes to his senses and is like "I get it. You're both really hot. I can't fault you for this." And we all live happily ever after. I really think Jeremy would be into an open marriage and I base this solely on the fact that he wears scarves a lot.


scarves for days! 

Though, if I'm being honest, all I really want is for Jeremy Irons to do a spoken word album of Pablo Neruda poems. I think this is a dream all of us can get behind.

*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me and I'll tell you how google images works.  

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Winter, you're the worst. These other things, you're the best!

In the category of Things I'm Sure You're Not Surprised To Learn About Me: I FUCKING HATE THE WINTER. This winter especially. It's all dry lips, wearing two pairs of pants, and fearing I might crack my skull open every time I step out the door. I'm over you! Stop holding my life hostage, Winter! 

a deadly serious text convo with my mom RE the winter

Maybe some of you are feeling the winter blues, too.  So, to cheer everyone up, I wanted to share a few of the items that I've been snuggling up to in order to stay warm, occupied, and out of harm's way this winter. Maybe you'll find them helpful. Maybe you'll find yourself face down in the snow wearing only your underwear. I guess only time will tell.



I just rocked through all 8 episodes of season 1 and it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Simply put, Broadchurch is pretty much what The Killing should have been. I know I'm late on all the David Tennant love (I'm sorry, I tried watching Doctor Who but the first episode I saw had mannequins turning people into more mannequins! I can't deal with mannequin shenanigans, OK? I don't have it in me.), but David Tennant is OUTSTANDING in this show. Really the entire cast is. Did Olivia Colman win every award possible for her role? Because she should have. Disregard all my normal crazy, I highly recommend this show. It's better than 96% of the shit I know all of you watch.


Romola Garai and Johnny Lee "Hot Chest Hair" Miller square off as Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Knightley and four hours of this was just not enough. This is a great adaptation of a pretty decent Austen novel. I like the story mainly because Emma is such a dick most of the time but Knightley loves her anyway and wants to take care of her and have witty banter with her for eternity and I'm pretty sure that's gonna be the gist of my relationship with my future husband - whatever man can put up with my dickish ways wins. 

OK, he's covered up the chest hair here, and that is a sad thing for all of us


No, not for making fire, ya dumb-dumb! For reading! Reading is fun! I know I nerded out on you the last post talking about "reading", so I apologize for nerding out on you again. But seriously, I just tore through two excellent books:

The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer. Though most of these characters are heinous, it is so completely engrossing. Also, it's very New Yorky, if you're into that kind of thing.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. If you'd like to squeal and giggle like a 14 year old girl in public places, please read this book. If you've ever thought about writing gay fanfiction starring Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy (I know you're out there), please read this book. If you just need a good read with a happy ending, please read this book. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK.


The Cosby Show makes me laugh. I watched it growing up, I can't turn it off when I catch a rerun on now. It's still funny! You remember that episode when they dream that all the men are pregnant and Cliff ends up giving birth to a giant hoagie and a 2 liter bottle of soda?? Can't beat it. 

Also, if you follow me on twitter, you'll see that my avatar is the Original SassMaster, Mrs. Clair Huxtable, giving some killer eye roll to one of her kids. Probably Vanessa. I love Clair Huxtable, I want to be Clair Huxtable.


Back in the day I would've said Clair Huxtable is my spirit animal, but that is just so overused now and you know what, what does that even mean? One time I took a quiz to find out my actual spirit animal and I think I got like "winter fox" or something. I'm sorry, I'm just not a sly wintry fox. I'm probably one of the least subtle people you'll ever meet and I very much DO NOT want to be out trudging through the snow. Obviously I'm a lioness - fucking queen of the concrete jungle, baby!!! 

Just kidding, I'm definitely that teacup pig who wears rain boots.


I'm aware that I'm not really an "athlete" per se, nor do I have any kind of "hand" "eye" "coordination" to speak of outside of killer dance moves, but man, do I love the Olympics. Any time the camera cuts to parents cheering on their kids, I lose my shit. And holy hell, did you watch the other night when Alex Bilodeau won gold in the freestyle skiing moguls and went over and hugged his older brother who has cerebral palsy? I was literally hand over my heart, tears down my face. Like I said, I'm no athlete, but I'm pretty sure that if global athletic competitions are about anything, they're about sobbing silently to yourself on your couch.



When is VEEP back?! I need it. This show is one of my all-time favorites and even just the thought of new episodes brings me great warmth. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a NATIONAL TREASURE. She's my favorite person. One of my most prized possessions is this guy up on my wall:


Basically my dream life is one where Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Phylicia Rashad are my adopted lesbian mothers. We'd be like The Fosters but I promise I will NOT make out with my adopted brother. Unless he's like Chris Pine or something but they adopted him a long time ago and he wasn't really around while I was in the house and we bumped into each other in the local Starbucks as we were both traveling home for Thanksgiving and he accidentally picked up my order and we realized our mistake and touched fingers as we switched drinks and I stared into those crystal blue infinity pools that are his eyes and we were in love. Also my moms Phylicia and Julia don't have photos of their kids. SO IT'S PLAUSIBLE.

What I'm trying to say is: watch VEEP. It'll be good for you. Laughter melts snow, it's science.