Sunday, August 3, 2014

A PSA: You should be watching Teen Wolf

Before we begin, a little note on how I ended up becoming obsessed with Teen Wolf: I simply needed a fun summer show to kill some time. Something to put on while I was painting my nails or waiting for enough of So You Think You Can Dance? to record so that I could fast forward through commercials.  I wasn’t looking to become obsessed. 

Like many of you, I’m sure, when MTV announced in 2011 it was producing a remake of the classic Michael J. Fox movie I outright laughed. Whyyyyy? Why are we just remaking old things? Why do people want to watch a show about a teenage wolf good at basketball? IS NOTHING SACRED?! But over the years the show kept getting renewed and I kept reading not horrible things about it. It was on my radar. 

Then I saw that seasons 1 through 3 were available on Amazon Instant. FOR FREE. I was in. Also, new Teen Wolf plays lacrosse because that’s way cooler than basketball. So I’m told. I’m learning a lot.

Moral of the story: I’ll watch anything for free no matter how much I vowed to hate it. I have no principles, get over it.

Then something happened: I became a woman. Wait, no, that’s a different story involving wolves. For another day!

Then something happened: I starting watching Teen Wolf and I couldn’t stop. It was actually a GOOD show and it kept getting BETTER. I blew through the previous seasons and now I’m watching in real time with all of my teenage friends (who are imaginary) and I don’t even paint my nails while I watch. 


As you all know, teenagers scare the shit out of me anyway, so, in all fairness why wouldn't I like a show where the teenagers are supposed to scare the shit out of me? It was kind of a no-brainer.

Before you start hating on me as I know you’re wont to do, just hear me out. Also, I’ll try not to spoil too much because I know in my heart-of-hearts some of you will read this and begin watching immediately, but there may be some light spoiling. For my thoughts on spoiling, read this. (In summation, I don't give a shit.)

Now, here is how Teen Wolf won me over and a few reasons why you should try it out too. (If you're only here for the man meat, I understand. Also, scroll to the bottom.)

1. It’s smart and funny and somehow tricks teens into watching “issue” stories without knowing it.

To be honest, when I first started watching Teen Wolf, I was worried it was going to turn into this whole dramatic teen love story which - BARF CITY, USA. And although there is an element of that (titular teen wolf, Scott McCall (Tyler Posey), falls for Allison Argent (Crystal Reed), a girl who - gasp - is part of a family of ancient werewolf hunters), it doesn’t become the only important story. It’s really a show about figuring out who you are, what matters to you, and how far you’re willing to go to fight for those things.  

Honest sidebar: I just read that paragraph back and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s such a smart show. First, smart in a technical way: the pacing is perfection (teenagers get bored, you guys! I blame snap chat.), the dialogue is snappy, the structure of episode and season arcs is really tight, and for a drama, it is seriously, seriously funny at times.  I mean, a few so-called TV comedies could learn a thing about comedic timing from this show. 

But it’s also smart in the way that it tells typical “teen” stories. It disguises them beneath all the supernatural craziness and hot people making out, but those teen issues - teen/parent relationships, depression, sexuality, peer pressure, bullying - all of those issues are still discussed but in a way that fits in a supernatural show. It just takes a super smart adult like myself to realize what’s going on - those stupid teenagers have no idea! Dummies! (Just kidding, love ya, text me, laterrrz)

wolfing around town.

For example, there is an episode that takes place in a haunted motel (just go with it), where people who stay overnight become some kind of possessed and try to off themselves. It’s a completely terrifying episode - especially when our hero Scott COVERS HIMSELF IN GASOLINE and has to be talked down from lighting himself on fire by his friends. It’s emotional and scary and at the end of it I realized, holy shit, they just did an “it gets better” episode without really doing an “it gets better” episode. It’s like when you’re a kid and your mom hides medicine in piece of a really delicious PB&J. 

What I’m saying is, I’m really glad this is the show teenagers are deciding to watch because it doesn’t dumb things down and it certainly doesn’t shy away from important issues teens are dealing with just because it is a show about werewolves. 

2. It has one of the greatest TV bromances of all time.

Ah, Scott and Stiles (Dylan O’Brien). Stiles and Scott. They’re the bestest of friends! They’re brothers, ya know? They take care of each other. They make each other laugh. They keep each other in check. They challenge one another. They love each other and don’t care who knows it! I mean, back to that suicide ep, you guys: Stiles was crying, I was crying, WE WERE ALL CRYING. It really is such an accurate and refreshing portrayal of male friendship, and I would know because in my free time I creepily watch a lot of male friendships blossom. 

they're just bros who love each other.

another sidebar: Is Stiles one of the greatest beings on television right now? Dylan O’Brien is a REVELATION. When I was talking about comedic timing, I was mainly talking about him. But then, THEN you get to season 3B and he shines in a dramatic arc (he gets possessed by an evil Japanese spirit and goes on a killing spree, obvi). Get that kid cast in everything ever (The Maze Runner this September, anyone, anyone?). Mama says you’re gonna be a star, kid! 

3. It features some of the strongest, most badass female characters on TV.

This, I think, is where Teen Wolf really shines. The show is just full of these amazingly rich and strong female characters. Again, you would assume the Wolf would be the hero and would just be strutting around town saving damsels in distress left and right. Wrong. Remember when I said this show is smart? 

The aforementioned Allison Argent is first introduced as a love interest for Scott, but when she discovers her family’s history as badass wolf hunters, she take a shining to it. She turns into a sick bow-and-arrow wielding huntress and saves the guys repeatedly. Not to mention, that wolf hunting family she comes from? They’re matriarchal, so it’s always a woman making decisions. 

Allison’s best friend is Lydia (Holland Roden). When we first meet Lydia, she’s presented as the pretty, popular girl - all parties and boys and clothes. It doesn’t take long, however, to discover that Lydia is actually a genius - like an archaic latin-speaking, math wiz, chemist extraordinaire genius. It’s such a cool and fun twist on the cliche popular girl character. See, kids? Learn how to speak a dead language and you, too, can date the hot captain of the lacrosse team! 

You can look cute and kick ass (and be smart!).

All of Teen Wolf’s main female characters rise above cliches. Later on, you get a Were-Coyote who doesn’t take no shit from anyone, a delightfully awkward but deadly teen-turned-Kitsune (it’s a thing), and a super sexy, badass mercenary, who is totally cool with selling out to the highest bidder. A lot of these roles would normally either be given to a guy or made one-dimensional. Even a lot of the villains are women. Though, I guess that’s not as surprising because, well, bitches be crazy.

4. The parents on this show are the best. 

Speaking of ladies, Scott’s mom, Melissa (Melissa Ponzio), is another great female character. Sure, she’s understandably scared and confused when she discovers what has happened to her son, (the episode right after, when she can’t even look at him, is just so heartbreaking and true to life - I mean, true to how I would assume most mothers would deal with their sons being turned into werewolves), but she learns to trust him again (DING DING - another example of Teen Wolf commenting on teen issues without, ya know, commenting on teen issues). She also is a pretty smart and fearless chick. I love those moments when she does something insanely brave and Scott just looks at her in awe, so proud of his Moms. 

Also, Stiles and his dad (Linden Ashby). I CAN’T WITH THOSE TWO. Stiles and his dad bring me joy and laughter and tears and love and basically just adopt me, OK? 

Parents hug their kids on this show and I think that's great.

5. ABS!

Listen, MTV knows their audience is primarily teen girls and a 29-year-old creeper with needs.  Play to your audience. 

But for real, these abs:

Derek (Tyler Hoechlin): the older, wiser, more ab-filled werewolf.
Also, these are abs:

Just hanging out in your typical high school locker room.
More abs:

Um, they're twins.
And, I, uhhh:

are people even reading the captions at this point?

I could go on, but I need to take a cold shower and you need to do yourself a favor and watch some Teen Wolf - somewhat for the strong female characters and smart storytelling, but also for the abs. 

*I, regretfully, take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Mother's Day is this weekend! I have a mom, but am not a mother myself. Though sometimes I do fear that I could be pregnant and not know it and I'll be forced to do a hilariously tragic reenactment of my own story on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant because in all honesty, I'm really bad at tracking my period and sometimes I do have really large dumps and things could go unnoticed. 

But anyway, Motherhood is beautiful and moms are the best. I probably have the best mom. She puts up with my crazy (see above paragraph) and doesn't even get paid for it. In fact, she still pays my cell phone bill! It's really a win-win for me and a lose-lose for her, but that's motherhood in a nutshell, I guess.

To celebrate moms all over the world, I thought I could talk about some of my favorite fictional moms. Before I start I'd like to say that Clair Huxtable is actually my favorite fictional mom of all time, but I went into my love for Mrs. H ad nauseam in a previous post, so I'll save you from that. Just know that I think sassiness is the number 1 greatest trait a mother can have. Also, two of the main reasons I want to have kids is so that one, I can give them delicious side eye and two, I can force them to lip sync to classic Motown songs in our living room. Clair Huxtable taught me that. I LOVE YOU CLAIR! 


Molly Weasley

Obviously, Mrs. Weasley is great because of the whole killing Bellatrix LeStrange thing but there are some less obvious reasons I love her whole-heartedly. First of all, she snagged that tall drink of ginger water, Arthur Weasley as her husband. WELL DONE, YOU. I feel like her marriage to Arthur really demonstrates her passion for the ginger cause. Gingers have to marry gingers to keep the ginger gene alive. I would prefer to marry a ginger, but I would step aside if it meant two gingers procreating. I JUST DON'T WANT TO EVER LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT GINGERS, OK?

Additionally, Mrs. Weasley is an excellent knitter. Those sweaters the Weasley kids get for Christmas every year? Those babies would sell for like $120 easy in Williamsburg. Hipsters love ugly things. Mrs. W would be making bank. She's savvy, is all I'm saying. 

In conclusion, she seems like a great mom and is obviously a good lay, as she and Mr. W have 900 kids. Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. Weasley!

A SEMI-HONEST SIDEBAR: I might also consider putting Narcissa Malfoy on this list because, at least in the movies, she has SICK hair. But you know who I would NEVER put on this list? Lily Potter. Lily Potter is the worst mom. I get that she was like super kick ass and really pretty and nice to pasty people but I'M SORRY, she up and DIED. If the Dark Lord is after your kid WHY DO YOU STAY AT YOUR OWN HOUSE?!? He'll figure it out eventually he is THE DARK LORD. I would think even a semi-Dark Lord would try your place of residence first. Here's an idea, Potters, go into hiding and don't tell ANYONE. Then you don't need a secret keeper in the first place. ON TOP OF DYING, Lily Potter then proceeds to basically haunt her son who is extremely busy with trying to stop said Dark Lord AS WELL AS get a decent grade on his OWLS. Get a grip woman, stop hiding out in mirrors and crossed wand streams and magical gemstones. 

Lucille Bluth 

Out of all the moms on my list, I think Lucille and I would make the best mother/daughter team. We share the same love for alcohol in the morning, we have the same winking prowess, we both need help zipping up our dresses. Two peas in a pod. 

Tami Taylor 

What's not to love about Tami Taylor? The hair. The aviators. The y'alls. You know when I love Tami Taylor most? That part in the opening credits when she dances with her arms in the air. You know the part. Tami is my relationship guru and she totally deserves a way better daughter than Brat McBangs, Julie Taylor. I completely get why Tami was trying to replace Julie with Tyra Collette in Season 1. Why she gave up on that game, I'll never know. (J/K, Jules! You know I'd totally be friends with you and Matt! Or, at least, neighbors who like, barbecue together every once and awhile.)

Daenerys Targaryen

Khaleesi is the MOTHER OF DRAGONS, people. I don't care how many kids you have or how terrible those kids are, nothing trumps raising three dragons. Thinking of the grocery bill alone gives me heart palpitations! Raw meat in those kinds of quantities cannot be cheap. Also, I bet she spends a TON of cash on aquaphor, because moms are always the ones left to take care of their kids' skin problems. Blech! Scales! Not to mention, in her down time, Khaleesi's number one hobby is freeing slaves. Talk about a woman who does it all! In fact, if I were in charge of Hollywood right now, I'd do a remake of that movie I Don't Know How She Does It but replace Sarah Jessica Parker with Khaleesi. It would have the same basic storyline, but take place in a desert. 

Mrs. George 

Because she's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom.

Moms should be celebrated all the time. They give you good hugs, they make sure you drink the good wine not the cheap stuff, they'll bring you hoagies in bed when you call the house phone and order one from your cellphone hungover in the room upstairs, they remind you that you're good and smart and beautiful even when you're not being any of those things. Moms make you feel special, so we should make them feel special. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MOMS BOTH REAL AND FICTIONAL! Keep on keepin' on.

*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Monday, March 31, 2014


Sometimes I love out loud (Ben Affleck, 90s Boy Bands, drinking wine alone). But sometimes I have a love that is so precious to me, I'm scared what making that love known to the world might do to its preciousness. I don't want it to be stolen in the night like some emerald necklace I own and I wear out only to have it featured in the society pages and then some jewel thief hides on the back of my carriage and takes it right off my neck and also it's raining and we're in 1890s England. I just can't handle that kind of loss. 

What I'm saying is I'm ready to share this love with you because I'm such a good person, but it's mine, you get it? Do not steal this love from me. It looks better on me anyway. 

YOU GUUUUUUUUYS. For a long time I've harbored a mega-crush on one Mister Jeremy Irons. It is a love that ebbs and flows like the tides in its strength, but it is a constant love. When I'm my truest self, I can't deny a part of my heart belongs to him.

I mean....


Though I think this older Jeremy Irons is closer to my ideal Irons:


When I really think about it, maybe it isn't the most unusual love to have. Obviously, everyone who watched The Lion King growing up fell in love with Scar. It's a no-brainer. I don't really know how to do percentages but I would assume that for about 76% of people in my generation Scar was their first sexual crush.


And I don't know, this is all off-the-cuff brainstorming but I wouldn't be opposed to making my boyfriend wear a giant lion headpiece and playing "Be Prepared!" on repeat in the background as we make sweet lion love. I'm not saying it's mandatory, but I am putting it out there.

Though The Lion King might be where the seed was planted, what really did it for me was Jeremy Irons in Elizabeth I.

someone photoshop me over Mirren and I'll be yours forever.

If you haven't seen that mini-series - find it and watch it. Needless to say, Helen Mirren fucking rocks it out and the Mirren/Irons sexual tension is PALPABLE. Great, now I want to go and watch it. 

I think it's just that whole sexy english professor vibe he has going:

Your paper's due at the end of the week and it counts towards 30% of your grade!

Though for the record, I'd rather not marry an english professor, mainly because, would he be correcting my grammar and quoting Paradise Lost all day? It's a risk I just can't take at this juncture. I would however, be up for marrying an anthropology professor because he'd probably be super nerdy but lovable and possibly take me on some weird vacations through the jungle, which is like, once in a lifetime. Also, I'd get to wear some really cute floppy hats.

Anyways, back to the Irons at hand: 

We'd drink so much tea together. It would be paradise.

Let's talk about that VOICE. It's everything I need in a voice. Esteemed biographer Wikipedia says:

"[Jeremy Irons] serves as the English language version of the audio guide for Westminster Abbey in London."

I don't know if this is currently true or was ever true and I refuse to do additional research BUT if he is or was in fact the voice of the Westminster Abbey audio tour, I think I speak for us all when I ask the obvious: So like, how are more people not orgasming while taking a tour through Westminster Abbey?

It just seems like it'd be an epidemic at this point.

Another, possibly often overlooked, thing to love about Jeremy Irons is that his last name is Irons. How cool is that? I'd like to marry him if for nothing more than so that my kid will have the last name Irons. Could you imagine running for student council with a last name like that? Here are some ideas for campaign posters off the top of my head: 




Sure, they don't make complete sense but teenagers are swayed by semi-clever wordplay and also my kid's dad is Jeremy Irons and no one with half a brain will vote against the son of Scar/Claus von Bulow.

Speaking of Jeremy Irons' kids, while doing research for this post (by which I mean typing in "Jeremy Irons kids?" into google and clicking on images), I discovered that Jeremy does in fact have a wife and kids and his son Max is currently both breaking into acting AND being very handsome. 

oh hey, jawline.

Now, friends, I am certainly never in favor of breaking up a long-standing and committed marriage, such as the one Jeremy Irons is in. HOWEVER, let's just say HYPOTHETICALLY in some ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, I end up married to Jeremy Irons and stepmother to the guy above. I've really given this some thought and I believe this is how things would most likely go down:

Jeremy and I are happily married and living in the English countryside but Jeremy has to fly to London to re-record a portion of the Westminster Abbey audio tour and he leaves me with Max. Originally, I'm totally the evil stepmother - I get it, I don't want to replace your mother either but you need to respect me! Amidst all the fighting there are knowing glances and eventually we have no choice but to give into the extreme sexual tension between us. This goes on for some time. We probably have a pool house or something where we conveniently meet in secret, I don't know, I haven't worked out all the logistics yet. THEN, one day, Jeremy makes a surprise visit home and discovers stepmother and stepson macking it on the purple chaise lounge we had custom-made in Buenos Aires last winter. Jeremy is shocked! Jeremy is dismayed! After the initial anger dies down, he comes to his senses and is like "I get it. You're both really hot. I can't fault you for this." And we all live happily ever after. I really think Jeremy would be into an open marriage and I base this solely on the fact that he wears scarves a lot.


scarves for days! 

Though, if I'm being honest, all I really want is for Jeremy Irons to do a spoken word album of Pablo Neruda poems. I think this is a dream all of us can get behind.

*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me and I'll tell you how google images works.  

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Winter, you're the worst. These other things, you're the best!

In the category of Things I'm Sure You're Not Surprised To Learn About Me: I FUCKING HATE THE WINTER. This winter especially. It's all dry lips, wearing two pairs of pants, and fearing I might crack my skull open every time I step out the door. I'm over you! Stop holding my life hostage, Winter! 

a deadly serious text convo with my mom RE the winter

Maybe some of you are feeling the winter blues, too.  So, to cheer everyone up, I wanted to share a few of the items that I've been snuggling up to in order to stay warm, occupied, and out of harm's way this winter. Maybe you'll find them helpful. Maybe you'll find yourself face down in the snow wearing only your underwear. I guess only time will tell.



I just rocked through all 8 episodes of season 1 and it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Simply put, Broadchurch is pretty much what The Killing should have been. I know I'm late on all the David Tennant love (I'm sorry, I tried watching Doctor Who but the first episode I saw had mannequins turning people into more mannequins! I can't deal with mannequin shenanigans, OK? I don't have it in me.), but David Tennant is OUTSTANDING in this show. Really the entire cast is. Did Olivia Colman win every award possible for her role? Because she should have. Disregard all my normal crazy, I highly recommend this show. It's better than 96% of the shit I know all of you watch.


Romola Garai and Johnny Lee "Hot Chest Hair" Miller square off as Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Knightley and four hours of this was just not enough. This is a great adaptation of a pretty decent Austen novel. I like the story mainly because Emma is such a dick most of the time but Knightley loves her anyway and wants to take care of her and have witty banter with her for eternity and I'm pretty sure that's gonna be the gist of my relationship with my future husband - whatever man can put up with my dickish ways wins. 

OK, he's covered up the chest hair here, and that is a sad thing for all of us


No, not for making fire, ya dumb-dumb! For reading! Reading is fun! I know I nerded out on you the last post talking about "reading", so I apologize for nerding out on you again. But seriously, I just tore through two excellent books:

The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer. Though most of these characters are heinous, it is so completely engrossing. Also, it's very New Yorky, if you're into that kind of thing.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. If you'd like to squeal and giggle like a 14 year old girl in public places, please read this book. If you've ever thought about writing gay fanfiction starring Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy (I know you're out there), please read this book. If you just need a good read with a happy ending, please read this book. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK.


The Cosby Show makes me laugh. I watched it growing up, I can't turn it off when I catch a rerun on now. It's still funny! You remember that episode when they dream that all the men are pregnant and Cliff ends up giving birth to a giant hoagie and a 2 liter bottle of soda?? Can't beat it. 

Also, if you follow me on twitter, you'll see that my avatar is the Original SassMaster, Mrs. Clair Huxtable, giving some killer eye roll to one of her kids. Probably Vanessa. I love Clair Huxtable, I want to be Clair Huxtable.


Back in the day I would've said Clair Huxtable is my spirit animal, but that is just so overused now and you know what, what does that even mean? One time I took a quiz to find out my actual spirit animal and I think I got like "winter fox" or something. I'm sorry, I'm just not a sly wintry fox. I'm probably one of the least subtle people you'll ever meet and I very much DO NOT want to be out trudging through the snow. Obviously I'm a lioness - fucking queen of the concrete jungle, baby!!! 

Just kidding, I'm definitely that teacup pig who wears rain boots.


I'm aware that I'm not really an "athlete" per se, nor do I have any kind of "hand" "eye" "coordination" to speak of outside of killer dance moves, but man, do I love the Olympics. Any time the camera cuts to parents cheering on their kids, I lose my shit. And holy hell, did you watch the other night when Alex Bilodeau won gold in the freestyle skiing moguls and went over and hugged his older brother who has cerebral palsy? I was literally hand over my heart, tears down my face. Like I said, I'm no athlete, but I'm pretty sure that if global athletic competitions are about anything, they're about sobbing silently to yourself on your couch.



When is VEEP back?! I need it. This show is one of my all-time favorites and even just the thought of new episodes brings me great warmth. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a NATIONAL TREASURE. She's my favorite person. One of my most prized possessions is this guy up on my wall:


Basically my dream life is one where Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Phylicia Rashad are my adopted lesbian mothers. We'd be like The Fosters but I promise I will NOT make out with my adopted brother. Unless he's like Chris Pine or something but they adopted him a long time ago and he wasn't really around while I was in the house and we bumped into each other in the local Starbucks as we were both traveling home for Thanksgiving and he accidentally picked up my order and we realized our mistake and touched fingers as we switched drinks and I stared into those crystal blue infinity pools that are his eyes and we were in love. Also my moms Phylicia and Julia don't have photos of their kids. SO IT'S PLAUSIBLE.

What I'm trying to say is: watch VEEP. It'll be good for you. Laughter melts snow, it's science.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Books Becoming Movies, Movies Becoming Wolves, and so on and so forth.

Announcement, fair blog enthusiasts! I'd like to let you all know that I read. I read a lot. Well, I guess "a lot" is relative but it feels like a lot to me even though last year I read 21 books and I was all excited and told my mom and she was like "Oh, really? That's nice. I read 45." But in a really disgusted way like she was so disappointed in herself for only reading 45 books. Whatever, mom, can't I ever get out from under your shadow?!

Oh! If you too are a reader, please, let us be friends on goodreads, which in my opinion is probably the only necessary form of social media out there. I'm no expert or anything but...#computers.

If you follow me on goodreads, you'll find that I don't really discriminate in regards to what I read. Well maybe I'm not sitting around reading Ulysses in my free time but homegirl just ain't got time to process a 4,931-word sentence. JA FEEL? But I'll read almost any genre: Contemporary fiction (natch), young adult, crime, thrillers, fantasy (by which I mean Harry Potter), the classics, rom coms, regular coms, regular get the picture. I'm really only giving you this lengthy intro because two of the three books I'm going to discuss below are young adult books and I don't want you to get in your dumb head that I only read young adult. I know I'm a 28 year old (blech) woman adult but it just so happens that two young adult novels fell into the overall theme of this post. 

Also I'd like to say that something being designated "young adult" doesn't mean it's beneath us "adults" to read. I mean, Harry Potter is technically young adult, so, there. You can learn something from young adults. I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE. No, no I don't. Teenagers frighten me. 

TO GET TO THE 2014 there are three books I really enjoyed that will be released as films. Strike that. There are two books I really enjoyed and one book that was just kind of so-so but I read anyway because hello, I watched One Tree Hill, and sometimes I get sucked into mediocre things, that will be released as films. I'm excited about these movies and I would like to share them with you.

Yes, I might spoil some things but also, I might not. And if nothing else, life is all about taking chances. 

The Fault in Our Stars
Author: John Green
Movie release date: June 6, 2014
Premise kind-of: Two not annoying teens with cancer meet at a support group and FALL IN LOVE and are really funny and touching about the whole thing. 

About the book: I've gleaned from twitter and the like that sometimes teenagers use the phrase "feel all the feels". I hate this phrase. What does this mean? Use your words, please. If you're trying to point out that a particular book has a level of emotional complexity you are unable to comprehend, just say that. But then I read The Fault in Our Stars and YOU GUYS THIS BOOK MADE ME FEEL ALL THE FEELS. No seriously, this book, these characters, the whole thing is top notch. John Green just gets it.  I would recommend this book to almost anyone because it's just a good, good book. Well maybe I wouldn't recommend it to your Grandpa, but I don't know your Grandpa and regardless, he'd be missing out.

About the movie: One reason I have the feeling this is going to be a great adaptation is that John Green (author) was extremely involved in its development. Another reason is that the screenplay was written by Scott Neustadter Michael H. Weber who wrote 500 Days of Summer and how lovely was that movie? And yet, ANOTHER reason is that Hazel, the protagonist, is played by Shailene Woodley and I find this to be perfect casting. So I'll see ya at the theaters on June 6 sporting water-proof mascara and a smuggled 2011 Pinot Noir.

Author: Veronica Roth
Movie release date: March 21, 2014
Premise kind-of: The first in a triology about a dystopian Chicago where society is split into factions based on your most prominent personality trait and a 16 year old girl, Tris, is basically forced into rebelling against the establisment, AS ONE DOES. 

About the book: Ayyy dios mio. OK. Here's the thing with Divergent. You'll read the first one and you'll be mildly amused thinking: Alright, this is a poor man's The Hunger Games and I miss The Hunger Games and this one ends in kind of an interesting way let's see what happens in the next one. Then you'll read the second book, Insurgent, and probably be bored but you'll know there's only one more, maybe you should see it through. THEN you'll read the third one, Allegiant, and you'll want to hurl the book out of your window into a fiery garbage pile. So, I guess I wouldn't recommend it all that much. 

About the movie: THAT BEING SAID, I'm still really pumped about this movie. The trailer (above) looks awesome. Again, it has Shailene Woodley in it who AGAIN is perfect casting. And Mr. Pamuk (Theo James, died via Lady Mary's vagina on Downton Abbeyas love interest Four, who I think in the books is 18 and I'm sorry, Mr. Pamuk is not 18. He's got bone structure that won't quit. Also, President Fitzgerald Grant (Tony Goldwyn)! And whatever, I love popcorn flicks and I'm so tired of the pretentious shit that's out right now. Seriously. I haven't seen one movie nominated for an Oscar and once I realized that I thought I should maybe go out and see Her but then I quickly realized that would make me want to blow my brains out so I stayed in and watched three episodes of Sleepy Hollow

Gone Girl
Author: Gillian Flynn
Movie release date: October 3, 2014
Premise kind-of: You guys, I cannot even give you a premise for this book for fear I might give something away.

About the book: Let me just say, I loved this book. I was engrossed in this book. It's a psychological thriller that, like Mr. Pamuk's aforementioned bone structure, just won't quit. I couldn't put it down. I know some folks really didn't like the ending, but I have to say I kind of loved the ending. Those people are fucked up and fucked up they shall remain, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 


Full disclosure, this book was operating on two levels of psychological intensity. First, obvis, the book itself. Second was the manner in which I procured this book. 

I had wanted to read it for a while, when I finally got around to asking my mom to borrow her copy because she owns every book ever written, she couldn't find it. She had read it. She had lent it to people who returned it. It should have been there. Nowhere to be found. So then I go and order it from Amazon. It's on backorder. OK, I can wait. A month later, I get a notice that it is STILL on backorder and will be for the foreseeable future and they are going to refund me. How does Amazon run out of copies of Gone Girl?! OK, so then I wait a little and place another order on Amazon - from which I order and receive packages from at an alarmingly and probably unhealthy rate - it ships - hooray! UNTIL I get a notification that the address I provided was undeliverable. THE ADDRESS I USE EVERY SINGLE TIME I ORDER FROM AMAZON. So then I got it in my head that maybe I wasn't supposed to read Gone Girl and if I did read Gone Girl something very terrible was going to happen to me and forces in the world were trying to protect me from this fate. Finally, when I did get my hands on it - thank you, Santa Claus - I almost didn't read it. I was traveling at the time and honestly had the following thought: What if I read this and I'm the Gone Girl. I'm the Gone Girl! I'M GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED IF I READ THIS BOOK. But then I got bored and decided to read it and here I am. The book is actually way more exciting than that sad story.

About the movie: AFFLECK.