Monday, March 31, 2014

Secret Crushin': THE JEREMY IRONS EDITION


Sometimes I love out loud (Ben Affleck, 90s Boy Bands, drinking wine alone). But sometimes I have a love that is so precious to me, I'm scared what making that love known to the world might do to its preciousness. I don't want it to be stolen in the night like some emerald necklace I own and I wear out only to have it featured in the society pages and then some jewel thief hides on the back of my carriage and takes it right off my neck and also it's raining and we're in 1890s England. I just can't handle that kind of loss. 

What I'm saying is I'm ready to share this love with you because I'm such a good person, but it's mine, you get it? Do not steal this love from me. It looks better on me anyway. 


YOU GUUUUUUUUYS. For a long time I've harbored a mega-crush on one Mister Jeremy Irons. It is a love that ebbs and flows like the tides in its strength, but it is a constant love. When I'm my truest self, I can't deny a part of my heart belongs to him.

I mean....

YES.


Though I think this older Jeremy Irons is closer to my ideal Irons:

COME ON.

When I really think about it, maybe it isn't the most unusual love to have. Obviously, everyone who watched The Lion King growing up fell in love with Scar. It's a no-brainer. I don't really know how to do percentages but I would assume that for about 76% of people in my generation Scar was their first sexual crush.

SEXY TIME!

And I don't know, this is all off-the-cuff brainstorming but I wouldn't be opposed to making my boyfriend wear a giant lion headpiece and playing "Be Prepared!" on repeat in the background as we make sweet lion love. I'm not saying it's mandatory, but I am putting it out there.

Though The Lion King might be where the seed was planted, what really did it for me was Jeremy Irons in Elizabeth I.

someone photoshop me over Mirren and I'll be yours forever.

If you haven't seen that mini-series - find it and watch it. Needless to say, Helen Mirren fucking rocks it out and the Mirren/Irons sexual tension is PALPABLE. Great, now I want to go and watch it. 

I think it's just that whole sexy english professor vibe he has going:

Your paper's due at the end of the week and it counts towards 30% of your grade!


Though for the record, I'd rather not marry an english professor, mainly because, would he be correcting my grammar and quoting Paradise Lost all day? It's a risk I just can't take at this juncture. I would however, be up for marrying an anthropology professor because he'd probably be super nerdy but lovable and possibly take me on some weird vacations through the jungle, which is like, once in a lifetime. Also, I'd get to wear some really cute floppy hats.

Anyways, back to the Irons at hand: 


We'd drink so much tea together. It would be paradise.


Let's talk about that VOICE. It's everything I need in a voice. Esteemed biographer Wikipedia says:

"[Jeremy Irons] serves as the English language version of the audio guide for Westminster Abbey in London."

I don't know if this is currently true or was ever true and I refuse to do additional research BUT if he is or was in fact the voice of the Westminster Abbey audio tour, I think I speak for us all when I ask the obvious: So like, how are more people not orgasming while taking a tour through Westminster Abbey?

It just seems like it'd be an epidemic at this point.

Another, possibly often overlooked, thing to love about Jeremy Irons is that his last name is Irons. How cool is that? I'd like to marry him if for nothing more than so that my kid will have the last name Irons. Could you imagine running for student council with a last name like that? Here are some ideas for campaign posters off the top of my head: 

VOTE WHILE THE IRONS IS HOT! 

or

THIS SCHOOL HAS SOME IRONS-ING OUT TO DO!


Sure, they don't make complete sense but teenagers are swayed by semi-clever wordplay and also my kid's dad is Jeremy Irons and no one with half a brain will vote against the son of Scar/Claus von Bulow.


Speaking of Jeremy Irons' kids, while doing research for this post (by which I mean typing in "Jeremy Irons kids?" into google and clicking on images), I discovered that Jeremy does in fact have a wife and kids and his son Max is currently both breaking into acting AND being very handsome. 

oh hey, jawline.

Now, friends, I am certainly never in favor of breaking up a long-standing and committed marriage, such as the one Jeremy Irons is in. HOWEVER, let's just say HYPOTHETICALLY in some ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, I end up married to Jeremy Irons and stepmother to the guy above. I've really given this some thought and I believe this is how things would most likely go down:

Jeremy and I are happily married and living in the English countryside but Jeremy has to fly to London to re-record a portion of the Westminster Abbey audio tour and he leaves me with Max. Originally, I'm totally the evil stepmother - I get it, I don't want to replace your mother either but you need to respect me! Amidst all the fighting there are knowing glances and eventually we have no choice but to give into the extreme sexual tension between us. This goes on for some time. We probably have a pool house or something where we conveniently meet in secret, I don't know, I haven't worked out all the logistics yet. THEN, one day, Jeremy makes a surprise visit home and discovers stepmother and stepson macking it on the purple chaise lounge we had custom-made in Buenos Aires last winter. Jeremy is shocked! Jeremy is dismayed! After the initial anger dies down, he comes to his senses and is like "I get it. You're both really hot. I can't fault you for this." And we all live happily ever after. I really think Jeremy would be into an open marriage and I base this solely on the fact that he wears scarves a lot.

scarves!


scarves for days! 


Though, if I'm being honest, all I really want is for Jeremy Irons to do a spoken word album of Pablo Neruda poems. I think this is a dream all of us can get behind.



*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me and I'll tell you how google images works.  

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Winter, you're the worst. These other things, you're the best!


In the category of Things I'm Sure You're Not Surprised To Learn About Me: I FUCKING HATE THE WINTER. This winter especially. It's all dry lips, wearing two pairs of pants, and fearing I might crack my skull open every time I step out the door. I'm over you! Stop holding my life hostage, Winter! 


a deadly serious text convo with my mom RE the winter


Maybe some of you are feeling the winter blues, too.  So, to cheer everyone up, I wanted to share a few of the items that I've been snuggling up to in order to stay warm, occupied, and out of harm's way this winter. Maybe you'll find them helpful. Maybe you'll find yourself face down in the snow wearing only your underwear. I guess only time will tell.


SOME THINGS KEEPING ME SANE THIS WINTER:


BROADCHURCH


I just rocked through all 8 episodes of season 1 and it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Simply put, Broadchurch is pretty much what The Killing should have been. I know I'm late on all the David Tennant love (I'm sorry, I tried watching Doctor Who but the first episode I saw had mannequins turning people into more mannequins! I can't deal with mannequin shenanigans, OK? I don't have it in me.), but David Tennant is OUTSTANDING in this show. Really the entire cast is. Did Olivia Colman win every award possible for her role? Because she should have. Disregard all my normal crazy, I highly recommend this show. It's better than 96% of the shit I know all of you watch.




THE 2009 MASTERPIECE CLASSIC VERSION OF EMMA

Romola Garai and Johnny Lee "Hot Chest Hair" Miller square off as Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Knightley and four hours of this was just not enough. This is a great adaptation of a pretty decent Austen novel. I like the story mainly because Emma is such a dick most of the time but Knightley loves her anyway and wants to take care of her and have witty banter with her for eternity and I'm pretty sure that's gonna be the gist of my relationship with my future husband - whatever man can put up with my dickish ways wins. 

OK, he's covered up the chest hair here, and that is a sad thing for all of us
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BOOKS!

No, not for making fire, ya dumb-dumb! For reading! Reading is fun! I know I nerded out on you the last post talking about "reading", so I apologize for nerding out on you again. But seriously, I just tore through two excellent books:

The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer. Though most of these characters are heinous, it is so completely engrossing. Also, it's very New Yorky, if you're into that kind of thing.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. If you'd like to squeal and giggle like a 14 year old girl in public places, please read this book. If you've ever thought about writing gay fanfiction starring Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy (I know you're out there), please read this book. If you just need a good read with a happy ending, please read this book. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK.




RERUNS OF THE COSBY SHOW

The Cosby Show makes me laugh. I watched it growing up, I can't turn it off when I catch a rerun on now. It's still funny! You remember that episode when they dream that all the men are pregnant and Cliff ends up giving birth to a giant hoagie and a 2 liter bottle of soda?? Can't beat it. 

Also, if you follow me on twitter, you'll see that my avatar is the Original SassMaster, Mrs. Clair Huxtable, giving some killer eye roll to one of her kids. Probably Vanessa. I love Clair Huxtable, I want to be Clair Huxtable.

PREACH.

Back in the day I would've said Clair Huxtable is my spirit animal, but that is just so overused now and you know what, what does that even mean? One time I took a quiz to find out my actual spirit animal and I think I got like "winter fox" or something. I'm sorry, I'm just not a sly wintry fox. I'm probably one of the least subtle people you'll ever meet and I very much DO NOT want to be out trudging through the snow. Obviously I'm a lioness - fucking queen of the concrete jungle, baby!!! 

Just kidding, I'm definitely that teacup pig who wears rain boots.



THE OLYMPICS

I'm aware that I'm not really an "athlete" per se, nor do I have any kind of "hand" "eye" "coordination" to speak of outside of killer dance moves, but man, do I love the Olympics. Any time the camera cuts to parents cheering on their kids, I lose my shit. And holy hell, did you watch the other night when Alex Bilodeau won gold in the freestyle skiing moguls and went over and hugged his older brother who has cerebral palsy? I was literally hand over my heart, tears down my face. Like I said, I'm no athlete, but I'm pretty sure that if global athletic competitions are about anything, they're about sobbing silently to yourself on your couch.

<3333
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ANTICIPATION OF VEEP

When is VEEP back?! I need it. This show is one of my all-time favorites and even just the thought of new episodes brings me great warmth. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a NATIONAL TREASURE. She's my favorite person. One of my most prized possessions is this guy up on my wall:

GET OUT! 


Basically my dream life is one where Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Phylicia Rashad are my adopted lesbian mothers. We'd be like The Fosters but I promise I will NOT make out with my adopted brother. Unless he's like Chris Pine or something but they adopted him a long time ago and he wasn't really around while I was in the house and we bumped into each other in the local Starbucks as we were both traveling home for Thanksgiving and he accidentally picked up my order and we realized our mistake and touched fingers as we switched drinks and I stared into those crystal blue infinity pools that are his eyes and we were in love. Also my moms Phylicia and Julia don't have photos of their kids. SO IT'S PLAUSIBLE.

What I'm trying to say is: watch VEEP. It'll be good for you. Laughter melts snow, it's science.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Books Becoming Movies, Movies Becoming Wolves, and so on and so forth.


Announcement, fair blog enthusiasts! I'd like to let you all know that I read. I read a lot. Well, I guess "a lot" is relative but it feels like a lot to me even though last year I read 21 books and I was all excited and told my mom and she was like "Oh, really? That's nice. I read 45." But in a really disgusted way like she was so disappointed in herself for only reading 45 books. Whatever, mom, can't I ever get out from under your shadow?!

Oh! If you too are a reader, please, let us be friends on goodreads, which in my opinion is probably the only necessary form of social media out there. I'm no expert or anything but...#computers.

If you follow me on goodreads, you'll find that I don't really discriminate in regards to what I read. Well maybe I'm not sitting around reading Ulysses in my free time but homegirl just ain't got time to process a 4,931-word sentence. JA FEEL? But I'll read almost any genre: Contemporary fiction (natch), young adult, crime, thrillers, fantasy (by which I mean Harry Potter), the classics, rom coms, regular coms, regular roms...you get the picture. I'm really only giving you this lengthy intro because two of the three books I'm going to discuss below are young adult books and I don't want you to get in your dumb head that I only read young adult. I know I'm a 28 year old (blech) woman adult but it just so happens that two young adult novels fell into the overall theme of this post. 

Also I'd like to say that something being designated "young adult" doesn't mean it's beneath us "adults" to read. I mean, Harry Potter is technically young adult, so, there. You can learn something from young adults. I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE. No, no I don't. Teenagers frighten me. 

TO GET TO THE POINT...in 2014 there are three books I really enjoyed that will be released as films. Strike that. There are two books I really enjoyed and one book that was just kind of so-so but I read anyway because hello, I watched One Tree Hill, and sometimes I get sucked into mediocre things, that will be released as films. I'm excited about these movies and I would like to share them with you.

Yes, I might spoil some things but also, I might not. And if nothing else, life is all about taking chances. 


The Fault in Our Stars
Author: John Green
Movie release date: June 6, 2014
Premise kind-of: Two not annoying teens with cancer meet at a support group and FALL IN LOVE and are really funny and touching about the whole thing. 




About the book: I've gleaned from twitter and the like that sometimes teenagers use the phrase "feel all the feels". I hate this phrase. What does this mean? Use your words, please. If you're trying to point out that a particular book has a level of emotional complexity you are unable to comprehend, just say that. But then I read The Fault in Our Stars and YOU GUYS THIS BOOK MADE ME FEEL ALL THE FEELS. No seriously, this book, these characters, the whole thing is top notch. John Green just gets it.  I would recommend this book to almost anyone because it's just a good, good book. Well maybe I wouldn't recommend it to your Grandpa, but I don't know your Grandpa and regardless, he'd be missing out.









About the movie: One reason I have the feeling this is going to be a great adaptation is that John Green (author) was extremely involved in its development. Another reason is that the screenplay was written by Scott Neustadter Michael H. Weber who wrote 500 Days of Summer and how lovely was that movie? And yet, ANOTHER reason is that Hazel, the protagonist, is played by Shailene Woodley and I find this to be perfect casting. So I'll see ya at the theaters on June 6 sporting water-proof mascara and a smuggled 2011 Pinot Noir.








Divergent
Author: Veronica Roth
Movie release date: March 21, 2014
Premise kind-of: The first in a triology about a dystopian Chicago where society is split into factions based on your most prominent personality trait and a 16 year old girl, Tris, is basically forced into rebelling against the establisment, AS ONE DOES. 


About the book: Ayyy dios mio. OK. Here's the thing with Divergent. You'll read the first one and you'll be mildly amused thinking: Alright, this is a poor man's The Hunger Games and I miss The Hunger Games and this one ends in kind of an interesting way let's see what happens in the next one. Then you'll read the second book, Insurgent, and probably be bored but you'll know there's only one more, maybe you should see it through. THEN you'll read the third one, Allegiant, and you'll want to hurl the book out of your window into a fiery garbage pile. So, I guess I wouldn't recommend it all that much. 




About the movie: THAT BEING SAID, I'm still really pumped about this movie. The trailer (above) looks awesome. Again, it has Shailene Woodley in it who AGAIN is perfect casting. And Mr. Pamuk (Theo James, died via Lady Mary's vagina on Downton Abbeyas love interest Four, who I think in the books is 18 and I'm sorry, Mr. Pamuk is not 18. He's got bone structure that won't quit. Also, President Fitzgerald Grant (Tony Goldwyn)! And whatever, I love popcorn flicks and I'm so tired of the pretentious shit that's out right now. Seriously. I haven't seen one movie nominated for an Oscar and once I realized that I thought I should maybe go out and see Her but then I quickly realized that would make me want to blow my brains out so I stayed in and watched three episodes of Sleepy Hollow


Gone Girl
Author: Gillian Flynn
Movie release date: October 3, 2014
Premise kind-of: You guys, I cannot even give you a premise for this book for fear I might give something away.

About the book: Let me just say, I loved this book. I was engrossed in this book. It's a psychological thriller that, like Mr. Pamuk's aforementioned bone structure, just won't quit. I couldn't put it down. I know some folks really didn't like the ending, but I have to say I kind of loved the ending. Those people are fucked up and fucked up they shall remain, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 

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Full disclosure, this book was operating on two levels of psychological intensity. First, obvis, the book itself. Second was the manner in which I procured this book. 

I had wanted to read it for a while, when I finally got around to asking my mom to borrow her copy because she owns every book ever written, she couldn't find it. She had read it. She had lent it to people who returned it. It should have been there. Nowhere to be found. So then I go and order it from Amazon. It's on backorder. OK, I can wait. A month later, I get a notice that it is STILL on backorder and will be for the foreseeable future and they are going to refund me. How does Amazon run out of copies of Gone Girl?! OK, so then I wait a little and place another order on Amazon - from which I order and receive packages from at an alarmingly and probably unhealthy rate - it ships - hooray! UNTIL I get a notification that the address I provided was undeliverable. THE ADDRESS I USE EVERY SINGLE TIME I ORDER FROM AMAZON. So then I got it in my head that maybe I wasn't supposed to read Gone Girl and if I did read Gone Girl something very terrible was going to happen to me and forces in the world were trying to protect me from this fate. Finally, when I did get my hands on it - thank you, Santa Claus - I almost didn't read it. I was traveling at the time and honestly had the following thought: What if I read this and I'm the Gone Girl. I'm the Gone Girl! I'M GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED IF I READ THIS BOOK. But then I got bored and decided to read it and here I am. The book is actually way more exciting than that sad story.

About the movie: AFFLECK.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

this girl is on fireeeeee. Chicago Fire. BAM!

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Friends, there's not much I don't fly my freak flag for these days. Let's be honest, that flag is always out at full mast, just flapping briskly in the wind, reminding everyone that I'm in to some weird shit. 

The reason I bring this up is because I was ready to come on here and be all like "Guys, confession: I WATCH CHICAGO FIRE AND I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT." But then I realized, Chicago Fire is actually kind of a normal show to watch, especially when we're speaking relatively, and all of you know that I watch everything ABC Family Channel can throw at me and I cry on a weekly basis during Dancing With the Stars

But still, I felt like it was time to talk about Chicago Fire. Is it basically just Grey's Anatomy set in a fire house in Chicago? Yes. Actually, it's exactly that. Why is this a bad thing?

I love Chicago Fire not in spite, but because of, its normalness. It's comfort food, man. I turn on the TV at 10pm on a Tuesday and I know I'm getting some good looking people entangled in love triangles and being thrown into life-threatening situations. It's just like when I ladle a giant portion of turkey chili into a bowl. I know it's just meat and beans, but I don't care - IT MAKES ME HAPPY. 

Speaking of ladling meat and beans, let's talk about these two:

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These are the resident hotties of Chicago Fire, Matt Casey (Jesse Spencer) and Mr. Lady Gaga (Taylor Kinney). Here's the thing, though they show them sweaty and dirty and wearing giant fireman hats (and suspenders! don't get me started on the suspenders!) whilst pulling women and children out of burning buildings and burning cars and burning medical clinics, they don't really sex them up that much. In fact, the last character to take his shirt off was that dude who married the redhead on Sex and the City. And that was during a house-wide fitness test, AS ONE DOES.

All this is to say, I wouldn't mind an increase in firehouse makeout sessions. My makeout prayers might be answered because fingers crossed I think Casey and Gabby might FINALLY get together this week. She loves him. And just dumped a hot undercover cop because going undercover "changes people" and she couldn't stand by and watch that happen to him (um, I'm sorry, you've been on three dates, but whatever). Additionally, he loves her. And the two kids he was taking care of while their mother was in prison for killing her best friend in a drunk driving accident were just taken away from him and shipped off to Florida with said drunk mother. So they both really need to be consoled. Together. In bed. Naked. (or in suspenders)

Just get together, ya dummies!
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You may be reading this thinking these are just the incoherent ramblings of a young lass semi-buzzed on a bottle of red wine that is in reality too expensive for her to be buying on the reg, but she does anyway because seriously, she has a reputation to keep up, HOWEVER, I have a point. 

The point is, I think more people should be watching this show. Dick Wolf knows how to make a drama. Episodes are tightly written, there's good action, characters have compelling story arcs. (Hey Mom & Dad, if you're wondering what my degree was for, you just read it). If you're looking for a solid, reliable, drama-filled show, try this one! 

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking my love for this show stems from my obsession with seeing my local fireman in the grocery store (follow on me on twitter to know what I'm talking about). That is probably most likely partly true. But I can't help it, OK? Do I have dreams of me one day reaching down for, I don't know, say, a honeycrisp apple and a young, local fireman in full uniform shopping for his house reaches down at the same moment for that same honeycrisp apple and our fingers touch and our eyes meet and we laugh. He would say something like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, you take it. This apple is yours." And I'd say something like, "Oh, thanks. I really love apples." And then he'd be blown away by both my beauty and my passion for reaching the recommended number of fruit servings a day and he'd ask me out and well, you know how that stuff goes. 

So, yes, I started watching this show to fuel that *ahem* fire. But you don't stick around long-term solely because you have a thing for seeing men in uniform providing for one another in your local grocer. You stick around long-term for some good ol' fashioned, well-made drama. Is Chicago Fire going to change the face of television? No. But it may change YOUR face into one of ....delight? Wait, what? I don't know. Look at this:

Hey! Look at us! Just hanging out in our dirty tank tops!
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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a TV channel, asking him to love her.


I’d like to begin this post by telling you a little story. It’s about a love that’s simple and true and burns brighter than most love in this world does.

There once was a girl who lived in a forest. No, sorry, it was a jungle. A concrete jungle. For many years this girl sought out one thing: a network that would replay Harry Potter movies on the reg because well, she just couldn't afford a box set of the DVDs at the time, ok? So get off her back.

Anyway, this girl searched high (channels) and low (channels), flipping and flipping and flipping. Then one day, just as she was about to give up and settle for a life of borrowing Harry Potter DVDs until she was rich enough to buy her own, she stumbled upon a network she had heard many mysterious things about. His name was ABC Family and he replayed Harry Potter movies on the weekends. The two became fast friends, sharing intimate moments of laughter, tears, and magical spells while sipping coffee on Sunday mornings. 

But soon the network wanted more of the girl. He wanted to take things to the next level. He wanted her to watch his new show, Switched at Birth.

“Just try it,” he begged by incessantly playing promos for the show at every commercial break. 

“What have you got to lose?” 

He was right. She had lost most of her dignity when she listed 27 Dresses as one of her favorite movies on Facebook anyway. So she tried it and she loved the network all the more.

The girl and the network went on for some time like this. Harry Potter and Switched at Birth. They were just a couple of crazy kids trying to learn how to say "alohomora" in sign language.

The summer of 2013 fell quickly upon the two friends and once again the network grew restless. It was time for a bigger commitment. Would she watch not one but five of his shows?

The girl was conflicted. Though she trusted the network's programming could she really get invested in five of his shows? What would people think? A 28 year old gallivanting around with a network focused on the 14 -24 demo? So unexpected. So inappropriate. But yet, it felt so right. The girl searched her heart and finally realized appropriateness be damned! I love ABC Family and I don't care what anyone else thinks! So she watched more of his shows and cherished each one. Their relationship was more real and true than any she had known before - and she meant that both network and human-wise. 

And the two lived happily ever after.

Even now, on Sundays, you can find the girl and her network sipping on coffee and sharing bagels while watching Harry Potter.

Fin.

be still my heart! 
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Fuck, I love a good love story. Oh, just in case you’re thinking to yourself, I wonder what five shows the girl in that story watches on ABC Family, don’t worry. I happen to watch those same five shows and have put a little guide together for you. The universe is weird, huh?



Switched at Birth: I just love this show with all my heart. All jokes aside, if you’re looking for a well done drama that has just enough hokeyness and not murder, you’ve found it! Unless you’re talking about murder of your HEART STRINGS. 



Baby Daddy: The reason I keep watching this is because it houses one of TV’s most mystifying love triangles. You have the super hot and super tall and therefore even hotter professional hockey player who is in love with his childhood best friend, who he’s always loved even when she was a hideous chunk monster who was like a size 12, god forbid, but SHE is in love with the hockey player’s slutty doofus bartender brother.  Riley, are you mental? YOU ALWAYS CHOOSE THE SIX PACKS.

this is the dude who is losing the love triangle.


The Fosters: Hey! Don’t laugh. I know, I know. It’s about a foster family and their last name is Foster. It doesn’t get off to a great start. Also, I took immediate issue with the fact that the EP is Jennifer Lopez, and well, you all know I have residual hatred from the whole Bennifer thing (side note: When my iPhone autocorrects Bennifer I’m always like “Yeah, I know, Phone. I’d like to pretend it never happened, too. But this is real life so DEAL WITH IT). But JLo also partnered with LL Cool J to give us “Lose Control” which is a natural treasure, so I’m torn. Give this show a shot. You got forbidden foster sibling love, twin shenanigans, lesbians in a loving relationship, quincea├▒eras, alcoholics, addicts, piano players, illegal immigrants, boys wearing nail polish. Like, everything, basically. 



Twisted: Yeah, I don’t know why I watch this either. 

They're all just really pretty, ok?
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Pretty Little Liars: None of this show makes sense but it's OK because the girls always have the cutest nail polish on. I will admit though, this is the one show of the 5 that really reminds me I’m probably too old to be watching this network. They keep trying to get me on board with all these relationships that qualify for statutory rape and I’m sorry, you’ll never sell me on that. I’m not even talking about the soulmate lovers Aria and EzrAAAAA (spoiler, suckers!). I’m talking about Wren. Wren is a DOCTOR. And BRITISH. And his name is WREN. Yet, for some reason, he only wants to mack it in the under-18 playgroup. I’d really like to see some photos of the twenty-something girls in Rosewood because I’m guessing they’re all just heinous beast-mongers. It’s really the only explanation for it.

here's an idea: just tell the police.
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In conclusion, if in ten years down the road you happen to find me wearing a purple velour tracksuit and weeping in my bathtub wondering why?? why?? why am I destined to walk this world alone? Please immediately print out 100 copies of this post, tape them to my walls, and shove my face in it because this, this is why.