Sunday, January 17, 2016

Engagement Stories with Fictional Characters


There's an epidemic going around and it's time we talk about it: your engagement photos. I hate them. It's not that I hate love or well-lit photography, it's just, why do you need 1,000 of them and why are they all on Facebook? What are you going to do with all of these photos? And don't tell me you're actually going to frame that one that is just a close-up of sand falling through your fingers like a sieve.

Engagement photos just remind me that I actually have no idea what my friends' hobbies are. They're keeping secrets from me, apparently. For instance, I didn't know that you guys loved standing in the sand and gazing into the ocean. I didn't know that you spent your Saturdays leaning against walls. Wait, you guys like to sit on fences and/or in trees? I also had no idea that you show your affection through piggy-back rides and touching foreheads. YOU'RE ALWAYS TOUCHING FOREHEADS. 

Listen, people: Get off the fence and stop touching foreheads, like, we all remember that one time in college when you barfed in your spouse-to-be's lap after doing a Three Wisemen shot at that dive bar. You cannot escape that, no matter how many gazebos you hold each other in. 

My only explanation for this "tradition" is that love makes you insane and you have no control over your actions. And, as many a wise person has said, "never judge a man until you imagine yourself in his situation by creating creepy scenarios about you and imaginary people." That's how it goes, right? 

Since I'm really empathetic, I thought it'd be best to do just that. So, I imagined myself getting engaged to various fictional characters to see what my immediate response would be. You know what? You guys were right and I'm sorry. All I wanted to do was tell people our engagement story, throw a party, and take five million photos of me and my betrothed. 

These are those scenarios. 


Noel Crane from Felicity
I thought I'd start with Noel Crane because first of all, he's probably the one fictional character I'm most compatible with ever, in the history of fictional characters (well, him or George Weasley). He's most like the guy I imagine I'll end up engaged to: good with computers, great head of hair, allergic to beets. But also, since this post is already creepy on premise alone, I figured I'd ease you guys in with a relatively normal character, because fair warning: Things are about to get real weird.



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The Proposal: Noel would probably propose to me in a super nerdy way, like sending me a link to a YouTube video titled "Soldier Dad surprises kids on Christmas morning" or "Death scene in Titanic (with fart noises)" because he knows I can't not click on things like that. When I pull up the video, there's a pop up window that says "Will you marry me?". Obviously, I would close it without reading it because I believe pop up ads are Satan's marketing tool, but Noel would know me so well, he would account for that and rig it so that any time I tried to exit out of it, it would pop up again. It would probably take at least four tries before I actually read the pop up, and even though I'm full of internet ad rage, I'd still say yes. 

The Party: We'd throw a big party on the roof of Sean's loft. It would be a little weird at first because Noel and Felicity had sex up there that one time, but like, I got the ring, bitch, so go try to seduce naive RAs with your turtlenecks somewhere else. 

The Pictures: Lots of photos where I'm putting the loser "L" sign on Noel's forehead, but in a way that totally shows off my ring, one of us trying to share one of those tiny espresso cups at Dean & DeLuca, and one where we're sitting across from each other in a booth at Epstein's Bar and doing that thing where you lock arms and feed each other drinks.


Bert from Mary Poppins
I can't be the only person who had very passionate feelings for Bert as a young child, can I??

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The Proposal: I'll only accept one of two proposals from Bert. One of them could be a very simple proposal like writing the question in chalk on the street BUT IT MUST INCLUDE THE PENGUIN WAITERS. This is non-negotiable. The other way I could see this going is that I'm home alone, enjoying a nice Pinot Noir and some Seinfeld reruns when Bert comes torpedoing down my chimney. I'll think it's a home invader at first, so I'll knock him out with a fire poker, but when he regains consciousness we'll have a nice laugh about the whole mishap. He'll pop the question very casually, while I'm trying to stanch the bleeding.

The Party: Oh, man, this might be the greatest party of them all. Bert would play some sweet tunes for us using his one man band set-up and the chimney sweeps would show up and dance. Then, the Woman Who Sits on the Steps of St. Paul's would arrive with all of her birds, and everyone would cheer, because that lady knows how to party. Also, we'd all take a spoonful of sugar and some medicine (absinthe). 

The Pictures: Bert doing a chalk drawing of me like one of his French girls, us on a tandem bicycle with all of the penguin waiters,  and of course, one of us leaning against different chimneys and touching foreheads.


Thor from Thor
Obviously, I'm talking about the recent film manifestation of Thor, and not some weird comic book version or ancient Norse cave drawing. So, basically, Chris Hemsworth with long hair and metal sleeves.

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The Proposal: I'd be coming up for a visit to Asgard, and that really scary dude with the horns would stop me on that rainbow bridge thing (admittedly, I was mostly paying attention to Thor's biceps while watching Thor), and I'd be all mad, like "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO MY BOYFRIEND IS?" when suddenly "All Night Long (All Night)" by Lionel Richie (our song) starts playing and Thor is leading all the citizens of Asgard in a flash mob dance down the bridge. Then he flings his hammer at me and the ring would be fastened to the end of it. 

The Party: We'd already be dancing on that awesome rainbow bridge thing, what more do you need? Unfortunately, that thing is slippery and doesn't have a guard rail, so there'd be more than a few casualties. All in the name of love!

The Pictures: One where we're lifting his hammer together about it bring it down on the ring, Me trying to lift Thor's hammer (showing off the ring, of course) while Thor is doubled-over in laughter, and one of me braiding Thor's hair while gazing out into open space. 



The Burger King
He's a king AND he has a beard. Yeah, I'll marry this guy.

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The Proposal: He'll use Whoppers to spell out "Will you be my Burger Queen?" on my front lawn.

The Party: I'm a royal now, so most of you peasants won't even be invited. Trust that it'll be a classy affair. Think: string quartet, Aretha Franklin doing a set of her greatest hits, Dom Perignon in crystal flutes that guests can take as party favors, and lots of mini-cheeseburgers.

The Pictures: We're sitting on thrones while feeding french fries to each other, beating up Ronald McDonald, and flipping patties in the kitchen of a Burger King while touching foreheads (it takes a lot of focus and above average hand-eye coordination).


Benjamin Linus from LOST
How would I end up dating a monster like Ben Linus? To be honest, I won't even want to date him, but Ben is really good at manipulation, so he'll make me think I do. Also, I don't want to be murdered, so I'd go along with it. Not all relationships can be full of romance, okay?

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The Proposal: I'll be dutifully punching away at those numbers in the hatch, when an alarm will sound and everything will go on lockdown. When the lights go out, there will be a blacklight that reveals the following written on one of the bolted doors: "Will you marry me? Yes or Yes (or I'll kill you without you knowing it's me)."

The Party: It'll be island-themed since that means we don't have to buy any decorations (we're saving up for a wedding, after all!). The Smoke Monster will do a set of Aretha Franklin's greatest hits, and Ben will surprise me with a fireworks display (but later I'll find out these fireworks were only to mask that he was firebombing all the survivors of Oceanic 815 on the beach). 

The Pictures: Definitely one of us holding hands while swinging on the Dharma village swing set, one of us laughing while pointing at a TV monitor with a live feed of John Locke crying in the jungle, one of us leaning against that four-toed statue and gazing out into the ocean while also touching foreheads.


Flounder from The Little Mermaid
Flounder would be a real catch (pun intended). He's a great swimmer, he always errs on the side of caution, and the dude looks good in stripes. Also, I'd never have to work again because money is of no use under the sea. Life is better down where it's wetter, you guys. Now, you're probably asking yourself how I would breathe, right? Well, guys, I'm literally talking about getting married to a cartoon fish, so I think there are more important questions you should be asking yourself about me and my life choices. 

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The Proposal: Flounder is scared of everything, so he's most definitely scared of commitment. We'd probably end up having a big fight in which I want to know where this relationship is going and that I don't think he's being sincere when he tells me my terrible human legs are beautiful. Finally, I'd give him an ultimatum. Since Flounder is scared of being alone (I mean that in a literal sense, not emotional), he'll agree to marry me. 

The Party: Doesn't matter where, it's a big party with a hot crustacean band.

The Pictures: Flounder playing dead on a plate while I drool over him with a knife and fork. What? We have a weird sense of humor! Oh, and us touching foreheads.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Real Examples of Times Living in NYC Almost Broke Me, or: Maybe Taylor Swift is a Liar?


Disclaimer: I know this post has very little to do with pop culture, which is kind of the point of this here blog (if there is one), but since when have I paid attention to the "rules" of "blogging"? And, if you must know, when I was younger almost all that I knew about living in New York City came from watching Felicity. When I finally moved here, I learned VERY QUICKLY that NYC was not all creepily following around the boy you have a crush on but only talked to once, or wearing turtlenecks all the time even in the summer, or time traveling (Felicity took some risks in that last season, amirite??). No, living in NYC was REAL. And I mean that in the best way and also the most horrifying way. So that kind of counts, right?


A List of Times Living in NYC Almost Broke Me:


(Because the lyrics to that Taylor Swift song should really be: "Welcome to New York, it's been waiting...to crush your dreams and chip away at your soul bit by bit until you're really just a shell of your former self and sometimes you don't even have the energy to put a bra on in the morning because hey, life in this city can be trying." 

But she's the wordsmith here, so what do I know?)


me, sometimes
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That time I tripped and face-planted in the middle of Penn Station during morning rush hour.

That time I had my credit card stolen by a person who went on an extravagant shopping spree at Macy's and ate $100 worth of burritos and I was terrified my identity was going to be stolen but also a little jealous.

That time I was in a really small coffee shop and knocked over some lady's papers with my giant purse and held up an entire line of people trying to leave.

That time I got hit by a car and spilled my coffee all over the hood and cursed off the driver and then ran to my office and cried in the bathroom.

That time I got bedbugs.

That time I got bedbugs and had huge bite marks on my face and had to go to my first day of work at a new job.

That time I got bedbugs and went to a friend's party for NYE but had to bring a trash bag for my coat.

That time I was so sad about being unemployed that I got a salsa stain on my pajama bottoms but I wore them for three consecutive days after that because they were red and I thought: It blends in, who cares?

That time when I got in a cab and started crying to my driver that my birthday was ruined because my friend got too drunk, but probably I was the drunk one.

That time I paid $3 for a regular coffee.

That time I paid $7 for a chocolate milkshake. 

That time the cashier at Trader Joe's told me not to feel bad about being single on Valentine's Day because I'd find love when I least expected it.

That time I decided moving back into Manhattan would be a good change for me and then I got in my bed the first night in my new apartment and I could feel the bass from the restaurant downstairs pulsing through my body.

That time I got lost in Queens during a heatwave trying to go see the last Harry Potter movie and I walked out onto the highway to stop a cab but he drove around me and I flipped him off. 

That time I had to watch a grown woman barf on the subway.

That time I had to watch a woman breast feed her four year old son on the subway.

That time when that guy on the subway asked me why I don't care more about the situation in Iraq and I got off the train even though it wasn't my stop.

That time I got a new microwave but it was delivered to the building across the street and I had to carry it back to my apartment by myself and I seriously considered leaving it.

That time I accidentally walked into a civil rights protest when all I was trying to do was buy a space heater at Home Depot.

That time my roommate and I were at the laundromat and a homeless man walked in and the owner started yelling at him and then sprayed him with a hose until he left and we were frozen in horror.

That time I slipped on a patch of ice in front of my apartment and kept slipping the more I tried to stand up, until eventually I had to grab on to the wrought iron fence and drag myself to safety.

Monday, December 8, 2014

A Pop Culture Grab Bag, of sorts

Friends, countrymen, archenemies who don't know you're my archenemies because I'm really good at pretending to like people when in actuality I hate them with the fiery passion of 1,000 burning suns: I'm back.

I'm not even going to apologize for being away for so long–read every other one of my posts for that–this time I have a real excuse: I've been writing TV recaps for the Entertainment Weekly Community Blog! That's right, I've made it to the big leagues and decided to leave all you peasants in the dust. 

Just kidding, I love you! But seriously, writing for those folks has taken up a lot of my "free writing time" and I refuse to give up ANY one of my "free 10 hours on a weekend to watch episodes of Supernatural". I just won't do it. I have principles.

But anyways, I missed you guys and although EW does allow me to fly my freak flag every once and awhile, I know I can truly be myself here on IDFBAI. You guys accept me for the freak bitch that I am! 

Since I haven't updated at all this fall, I figured I'd just give you a little rundown of some of the things I've gotten really into since we last met. And thus, I present to you: 

The I Don't Feel Bad About It Fall Pop Culture Grab Bag:


Arrow and The Flash

Big news, people: I watch super hero shows on the CW now. I'M THAT PERSON. But no, these two shows are actually great. Arrow is smoldering and serious and romantic and it's probably the only show I legit squeal at on a weekly basis (OLICITY!). The Flash is a bit lighter and really fun and Grant Gustin can charm the pants off of probably anyone, including Jesse L Martin. Both shows do a nice job of not making us non-comic book geeks feel like dummies. You can enjoy them without knowing much of the canon, so I highly suggest watching no matter what your feeling towards comic books may be. 

Start with Arrow because this happens a lot:




Serial

That's right, I totally jumped on the Serial podcast bandwagon and I'm loving every minute of it! It's completely fascinating on so many levels. One of those levels is definitely what the implications are to having a society that is obsessive over a pretty grim murder case so much to the point that lines of reality and entertainment are completely blurred and are we just like 5 steps away from The Hunger Games? But other than that, I'm totally on board. 

One thing I will say for Serial, its episodes all clock in around 30 minutes to an hour, which makes them great to have on while you're working out. That is, until you get to episode 9 and start crying on the elliptical. I learned this the hard way.


Taylor Swift's new album, 1989

I hear her music everywherein the trees, in the rivers and ponds, in the face of that old lady who hangs out by my subway stop selling churros. Swift is eternal. This album is MY JAM. 


The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo

First, a disclaimer: I really do read adult level books, too. In fact, right now I'm reading a rousing biography about King Edward VII, so, I guess, you can suck it, haters. 

Now, the Grisha Trilogy. This is a young adult book series that I was kind of on the fence about until the last book (Ruin and Rising). Don't get me wrong, book one (Shadow and Bone) and book two (Siege and Storm) are pretty good too, but man, that last one was brilliant. It cut to the core of me. And that's a big deal in and of itself because it's been awhile since I've read a YA series that's only gotten better with each installment. 

Oh, so what's it about? It's basically like if the Harry Potter books and The Hunger Games series had a kid and then that kid had a Russian cousin, that Russian cousin would be The Grisha Trilogy. That cousin is maybe not AS smart as his aunt and uncle, but all three of them would totally have a group text going just ragging on how dumb Divergent and Twilight are. You know what I mean? 


Being obsessed with candles.

Not pop culture related, but I think you should all understand the very fragile state of mind I'm in at the moment. I mean, who gets obsessed with lighting candles? Butlers from the 1700s and terrible people, that's who. Don't worry, I hate myself on your behalf. 


Prep for my epic trip to the Harry Potter Studio in England.

You read that rightthis month, I'll be trekking my butt over the Atlantic to visit the hallowed ground where they filmed all 8 of the Harry Potter movies. If you're not jealous after reading that last sentence, I'm worried you're illiterate and we should probably talk about that. 

Anyway, this place has everything. I'll be buying wands, drinking butter beer, maybe even getting sorted. But I swear to fucking God, if I get put in Hufflepuff I will burn that place to the ground. TO THE GROUND. 

I feel ya, bro.
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You know, the more I look back at this list, the more I realize I've spent this fall slowly turning into a really horrible human being.  I'm sorry everyone, I'm just a huge candle-loving disappointment who deserves to be put in Hufflepuff, I guess (NEVER!).

But you'll all take me as I am, right? That's the deal we have, RIGHT?



Sunday, August 3, 2014

A PSA: You should be watching Teen Wolf

Before we begin, a little note on how I ended up becoming obsessed with Teen Wolf: I simply needed a fun summer show to kill some time. Something to put on while I was painting my nails or waiting for enough of So You Think You Can Dance? to record so that I could fast forward through commercials.  I wasn’t looking to become obsessed. 

Like many of you, I’m sure, when MTV announced in 2011 it was producing a remake of the classic Michael J. Fox movie I outright laughed. Whyyyyy? Why are we just remaking old things? Why do people want to watch a show about a teenage wolf good at basketball? IS NOTHING SACRED?! But over the years the show kept getting renewed and I kept reading not horrible things about it. It was on my radar. 

Then I saw that seasons 1 through 3 were available on Amazon Instant. FOR FREE. I was in. Also, new Teen Wolf plays lacrosse because that’s way cooler than basketball. So I’m told. I’m learning a lot.

Moral of the story: I’ll watch anything for free no matter how much I vowed to hate it. I have no principles, get over it.

Then something happened: I became a woman. Wait, no, that’s a different story involving wolves. For another day!

Then something happened: I starting watching Teen Wolf and I couldn’t stop. It was actually a GOOD show and it kept getting BETTER. I blew through the previous seasons and now I’m watching in real time with all of my teenage friends (who are imaginary) and I don’t even paint my nails while I watch. 

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As you all know, teenagers scare the shit out of me anyway, so, in all fairness why wouldn't I like a show where the teenagers are supposed to scare the shit out of me? It was kind of a no-brainer.

Before you start hating on me as I know you’re wont to do, just hear me out. Also, I’ll try not to spoil too much because I know in my heart-of-hearts some of you will read this and begin watching immediately, but there may be some light spoiling. For my thoughts on spoiling, read this. (In summation, I don't give a shit.)

Now, here is how Teen Wolf won me over and a few reasons why you should try it out too. (If you're only here for the man meat, I understand. Also, scroll to the bottom.)


1. It’s smart and funny and somehow tricks teens into watching “issue” stories without knowing it.

To be honest, when I first started watching Teen Wolf, I was worried it was going to turn into this whole dramatic teen love story which - BARF CITY, USA. And although there is an element of that (titular teen wolf, Scott McCall (Tyler Posey), falls for Allison Argent (Crystal Reed), a girl who - gasp - is part of a family of ancient werewolf hunters), it doesn’t become the only important story. It’s really a show about figuring out who you are, what matters to you, and how far you’re willing to go to fight for those things.  

Honest sidebar: I just read that paragraph back and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s such a smart show. First, smart in a technical way: the pacing is perfection (teenagers get bored, you guys! I blame snap chat.), the dialogue is snappy, the structure of episode and season arcs is really tight, and for a drama, it is seriously, seriously funny at times.  I mean, a few so-called TV comedies could learn a thing about comedic timing from this show. 

But it’s also smart in the way that it tells typical “teen” stories. It disguises them beneath all the supernatural craziness and hot people making out, but those teen issues - teen/parent relationships, depression, sexuality, peer pressure, bullying - all of those issues are still discussed but in a way that fits in a supernatural show. It just takes a super smart adult like myself to realize what’s going on - those stupid teenagers have no idea! Dummies! (Just kidding, love ya, text me, laterrrz)

wolfing around town.

For example, there is an episode that takes place in a haunted motel (just go with it), where people who stay overnight become some kind of possessed and try to off themselves. It’s a completely terrifying episode - especially when our hero Scott COVERS HIMSELF IN GASOLINE and has to be talked down from lighting himself on fire by his friends. It’s emotional and scary and at the end of it I realized, holy shit, they just did an “it gets better” episode without really doing an “it gets better” episode. It’s like when you’re a kid and your mom hides medicine in piece of a really delicious PB&J. 

What I’m saying is, I’m really glad this is the show teenagers are deciding to watch because it doesn’t dumb things down and it certainly doesn’t shy away from important issues teens are dealing with just because it is a show about werewolves. 

2. It has one of the greatest TV bromances of all time.

Ah, Scott and Stiles (Dylan O’Brien). Stiles and Scott. They’re the bestest of friends! They’re brothers, ya know? They take care of each other. They make each other laugh. They keep each other in check. They challenge one another. They love each other and don’t care who knows it! I mean, back to that suicide ep, you guys: Stiles was crying, I was crying, WE WERE ALL CRYING. It really is such an accurate and refreshing portrayal of male friendship, and I would know because in my free time I creepily watch a lot of male friendships blossom. 

they're just bros who love each other.

another sidebar: Is Stiles one of the greatest beings on television right now? Dylan O’Brien is a REVELATION. When I was talking about comedic timing, I was mainly talking about him. But then, THEN you get to season 3B and he shines in a dramatic arc (he gets possessed by an evil Japanese spirit and goes on a killing spree, obvi). Get that kid cast in everything ever (The Maze Runner this September, anyone, anyone?). Mama says you’re gonna be a star, kid! 

3. It features some of the strongest, most badass female characters on TV.

This, I think, is where Teen Wolf really shines. The show is just full of these amazingly rich and strong female characters. Again, you would assume the Wolf would be the hero and would just be strutting around town saving damsels in distress left and right. Wrong. Remember when I said this show is smart? 

The aforementioned Allison Argent is first introduced as a love interest for Scott, but when she discovers her family’s history as badass wolf hunters, she take a shining to it. She turns into a sick bow-and-arrow wielding huntress and saves the guys repeatedly. Not to mention, that wolf hunting family she comes from? They’re matriarchal, so it’s always a woman making decisions. 

Allison’s best friend is Lydia (Holland Roden). When we first meet Lydia, she’s presented as the pretty, popular girl - all parties and boys and clothes. It doesn’t take long, however, to discover that Lydia is actually a genius - like an archaic latin-speaking, math wiz, chemist extraordinaire genius. It’s such a cool and fun twist on the cliche popular girl character. See, kids? Learn how to speak a dead language and you, too, can date the hot captain of the lacrosse team! 

You can look cute and kick ass (and be smart!).
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All of Teen Wolf’s main female characters rise above cliches. Later on, you get a Were-Coyote who doesn’t take no shit from anyone, a delightfully awkward but deadly teen-turned-Kitsune (it’s a thing), and a super sexy, badass mercenary, who is totally cool with selling out to the highest bidder. A lot of these roles would normally either be given to a guy or made one-dimensional. Even a lot of the villains are women. Though, I guess that’s not as surprising because, well, bitches be crazy.

4. The parents on this show are the best. 

Speaking of ladies, Scott’s mom, Melissa (Melissa Ponzio), is another great female character. Sure, she’s understandably scared and confused when she discovers what has happened to her son, (the episode right after, when she can’t even look at him, is just so heartbreaking and true to life - I mean, true to how I would assume most mothers would deal with their sons being turned into werewolves), but she learns to trust him again (DING DING - another example of Teen Wolf commenting on teen issues without, ya know, commenting on teen issues). She also is a pretty smart and fearless chick. I love those moments when she does something insanely brave and Scott just looks at her in awe, so proud of his Moms. 

Also, Stiles and his dad (Linden Ashby). I CAN’T WITH THOSE TWO. Stiles and his dad bring me joy and laughter and tears and love and basically just adopt me, OK? 

Parents hug their kids on this show and I think that's great.


5. ABS!

Listen, MTV knows their audience is primarily teen girls and a 29-year-old creeper with needs.  Play to your audience. 

But for real, these abs:

Derek (Tyler Hoechlin): the older, wiser, more ab-filled werewolf.
Also, these are abs:

Just hanging out in your typical high school locker room.
More abs:

Um, they're twins.
And, I, uhhh:

are people even reading the captions at this point?


I could go on, but I need to take a cold shower and you need to do yourself a favor and watch some Teen Wolf - somewhat for the strong female characters and smart storytelling, but also for the abs. 

*I, regretfully, take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, FICTIONAL MOMS!


Mother's Day is this weekend! I have a mom, but am not a mother myself. Though sometimes I do fear that I could be pregnant and not know it and I'll be forced to do a hilariously tragic reenactment of my own story on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant because in all honesty, I'm really bad at tracking my period and sometimes I do have really large dumps and things could go unnoticed. 

But anyway, Motherhood is beautiful and moms are the best. I probably have the best mom. She puts up with my crazy (see above paragraph) and doesn't even get paid for it. In fact, she still pays my cell phone bill! It's really a win-win for me and a lose-lose for her, but that's motherhood in a nutshell, I guess.

To celebrate moms all over the world, I thought I could talk about some of my favorite fictional moms. Before I start I'd like to say that Clair Huxtable is actually my favorite fictional mom of all time, but I went into my love for Mrs. H ad nauseam in a previous post, so I'll save you from that. Just know that I think sassiness is the number 1 greatest trait a mother can have. Also, two of the main reasons I want to have kids is so that one, I can give them delicious side eye and two, I can force them to lip sync to classic Motown songs in our living room. Clair Huxtable taught me that. I LOVE YOU CLAIR! 



OTHER FICTIONAL MOMS I LOVE JUST A TINY BIT LESS THAN CLAIR HUXTABLE BUT WHO ARE NONETHELESS STILL GREAT:



Molly Weasley

Obviously, Mrs. Weasley is great because of the whole killing Bellatrix LeStrange thing but there are some less obvious reasons I love her whole-heartedly. First of all, she snagged that tall drink of ginger water, Arthur Weasley as her husband. WELL DONE, YOU. I feel like her marriage to Arthur really demonstrates her passion for the ginger cause. Gingers have to marry gingers to keep the ginger gene alive. I would prefer to marry a ginger, but I would step aside if it meant two gingers procreating. I JUST DON'T WANT TO EVER LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT GINGERS, OK?

Additionally, Mrs. Weasley is an excellent knitter. Those sweaters the Weasley kids get for Christmas every year? Those babies would sell for like $120 easy in Williamsburg. Hipsters love ugly things. Mrs. W would be making bank. She's savvy, is all I'm saying. 

In conclusion, she seems like a great mom and is obviously a good lay, as she and Mr. W have 900 kids. Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. Weasley!

A SEMI-HONEST SIDEBAR: I might also consider putting Narcissa Malfoy on this list because, at least in the movies, she has SICK hair. But you know who I would NEVER put on this list? Lily Potter. Lily Potter is the worst mom. I get that she was like super kick ass and really pretty and nice to pasty people but I'M SORRY, she up and DIED. If the Dark Lord is after your kid WHY DO YOU STAY AT YOUR OWN HOUSE?!? He'll figure it out eventually he is THE DARK LORD. I would think even a semi-Dark Lord would try your place of residence first. Here's an idea, Potters, go into hiding and don't tell ANYONE. Then you don't need a secret keeper in the first place. ON TOP OF DYING, Lily Potter then proceeds to basically haunt her son who is extremely busy with trying to stop said Dark Lord AS WELL AS get a decent grade on his OWLS. Get a grip woman, stop hiding out in mirrors and crossed wand streams and magical gemstones. 


Lucille Bluth 

Out of all the moms on my list, I think Lucille and I would make the best mother/daughter team. We share the same love for alcohol in the morning, we have the same winking prowess, we both need help zipping up our dresses. Two peas in a pod. 


Tami Taylor 

What's not to love about Tami Taylor? The hair. The aviators. The y'alls. You know when I love Tami Taylor most? That part in the opening credits when she dances with her arms in the air. You know the part. Tami is my relationship guru and she totally deserves a way better daughter than Brat McBangs, Julie Taylor. I completely get why Tami was trying to replace Julie with Tyra Collette in Season 1. Why she gave up on that game, I'll never know. (J/K, Jules! You know I'd totally be friends with you and Matt! Or, at least, neighbors who like, barbecue together every once and awhile.)





Daenerys Targaryen

source
Khaleesi is the MOTHER OF DRAGONS, people. I don't care how many kids you have or how terrible those kids are, nothing trumps raising three dragons. Thinking of the grocery bill alone gives me heart palpitations! Raw meat in those kinds of quantities cannot be cheap. Also, I bet she spends a TON of cash on aquaphor, because moms are always the ones left to take care of their kids' skin problems. Blech! Scales! Not to mention, in her down time, Khaleesi's number one hobby is freeing slaves. Talk about a woman who does it all! In fact, if I were in charge of Hollywood right now, I'd do a remake of that movie I Don't Know How She Does It but replace Sarah Jessica Parker with Khaleesi. It would have the same basic storyline, but take place in a desert. 



Mrs. George 


Because she's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom.



Moms should be celebrated all the time. They give you good hugs, they make sure you drink the good wine not the cheap stuff, they'll bring you hoagies in bed when you call the house phone and order one from your cellphone hungover in the room upstairs, they remind you that you're good and smart and beautiful even when you're not being any of those things. Moms make you feel special, so we should make them feel special. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MOMS BOTH REAL AND FICTIONAL! Keep on keepin' on.


*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Secret Crushin': THE JEREMY IRONS EDITION


Sometimes I love out loud (Ben Affleck, 90s Boy Bands, drinking wine alone). But sometimes I have a love that is so precious to me, I'm scared what making that love known to the world might do to its preciousness. I don't want it to be stolen in the night like some emerald necklace I own and I wear out only to have it featured in the society pages and then some jewel thief hides on the back of my carriage and takes it right off my neck and also it's raining and we're in 1890s England. I just can't handle that kind of loss. 

What I'm saying is I'm ready to share this love with you because I'm such a good person, but it's mine, you get it? Do not steal this love from me. It looks better on me anyway. 


YOU GUUUUUUUUYS. For a long time I've harbored a mega-crush on one Mister Jeremy Irons. It is a love that ebbs and flows like the tides in its strength, but it is a constant love. When I'm my truest self, I can't deny a part of my heart belongs to him.

I mean....

YES.


Though I think this older Jeremy Irons is closer to my ideal Irons:

COME ON.

When I really think about it, maybe it isn't the most unusual love to have. Obviously, everyone who watched The Lion King growing up fell in love with Scar. It's a no-brainer. I don't really know how to do percentages but I would assume that for about 76% of people in my generation Scar was their first sexual crush.

SEXY TIME!

And I don't know, this is all off-the-cuff brainstorming but I wouldn't be opposed to making my boyfriend wear a giant lion headpiece and playing "Be Prepared!" on repeat in the background as we make sweet lion love. I'm not saying it's mandatory, but I am putting it out there.

Though The Lion King might be where the seed was planted, what really did it for me was Jeremy Irons in Elizabeth I.

someone photoshop me over Mirren and I'll be yours forever.

If you haven't seen that mini-series - find it and watch it. Needless to say, Helen Mirren fucking rocks it out and the Mirren/Irons sexual tension is PALPABLE. Great, now I want to go and watch it. 

I think it's just that whole sexy english professor vibe he has going:

Your paper's due at the end of the week and it counts towards 30% of your grade!


Though for the record, I'd rather not marry an english professor, mainly because, would he be correcting my grammar and quoting Paradise Lost all day? It's a risk I just can't take at this juncture. I would however, be up for marrying an anthropology professor because he'd probably be super nerdy but lovable and possibly take me on some weird vacations through the jungle, which is like, once in a lifetime. Also, I'd get to wear some really cute floppy hats.

Anyways, back to the Irons at hand: 


We'd drink so much tea together. It would be paradise.


Let's talk about that VOICE. It's everything I need in a voice. Esteemed biographer Wikipedia says:

"[Jeremy Irons] serves as the English language version of the audio guide for Westminster Abbey in London."

I don't know if this is currently true or was ever true and I refuse to do additional research BUT if he is or was in fact the voice of the Westminster Abbey audio tour, I think I speak for us all when I ask the obvious: So like, how are more people not orgasming while taking a tour through Westminster Abbey?

It just seems like it'd be an epidemic at this point.

Another, possibly often overlooked, thing to love about Jeremy Irons is that his last name is Irons. How cool is that? I'd like to marry him if for nothing more than so that my kid will have the last name Irons. Could you imagine running for student council with a last name like that? Here are some ideas for campaign posters off the top of my head: 

VOTE WHILE THE IRONS IS HOT! 

or

THIS SCHOOL HAS SOME IRONS-ING OUT TO DO!


Sure, they don't make complete sense but teenagers are swayed by semi-clever wordplay and also my kid's dad is Jeremy Irons and no one with half a brain will vote against the son of Scar/Claus von Bulow.


Speaking of Jeremy Irons' kids, while doing research for this post (by which I mean typing in "Jeremy Irons kids?" into google and clicking on images), I discovered that Jeremy does in fact have a wife and kids and his son Max is currently both breaking into acting AND being very handsome. 

oh hey, jawline.

Now, friends, I am certainly never in favor of breaking up a long-standing and committed marriage, such as the one Jeremy Irons is in. HOWEVER, let's just say HYPOTHETICALLY in some ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, I end up married to Jeremy Irons and stepmother to the guy above. I've really given this some thought and I believe this is how things would most likely go down:

Jeremy and I are happily married and living in the English countryside but Jeremy has to fly to London to re-record a portion of the Westminster Abbey audio tour and he leaves me with Max. Originally, I'm totally the evil stepmother - I get it, I don't want to replace your mother either but you need to respect me! Amidst all the fighting there are knowing glances and eventually we have no choice but to give into the extreme sexual tension between us. This goes on for some time. We probably have a pool house or something where we conveniently meet in secret, I don't know, I haven't worked out all the logistics yet. THEN, one day, Jeremy makes a surprise visit home and discovers stepmother and stepson macking it on the purple chaise lounge we had custom-made in Buenos Aires last winter. Jeremy is shocked! Jeremy is dismayed! After the initial anger dies down, he comes to his senses and is like "I get it. You're both really hot. I can't fault you for this." And we all live happily ever after. I really think Jeremy would be into an open marriage and I base this solely on the fact that he wears scarves a lot.

scarves!


scarves for days! 


Though, if I'm being honest, all I really want is for Jeremy Irons to do a spoken word album of Pablo Neruda poems. I think this is a dream all of us can get behind.



*I take NO credit for any of the photos included in this post. If you'd like to know the source info, please message me and I'll tell you how google images works.