Game of Thrones: You Win or You Tie...wait, that's not right

Dearest Readers! 

Announcement: Season 2 of HBO’s Game of Thrones premieres this Sunday at 9PM.

source

I know many of you are probably thinking, yeah? and so what? Mags, GoT season 1 was on FOREVER ago and you never even hinted that you watched it. Why in the WORLD would you be bringing up Season 2? Idiot.

To that, first I’d like to say - slow your roll. You don’t know me. Second, it’s true, this might seem like it’s out of blue. I didn’t watch Game of Thrones when it premiered. This is not, however, because I didn’t want to watch it. It’s simply because I’m poor as dirt and Showtime came with the sweet cable package special I was getting. I didn’t have HBO. I didn’t know. How could I have? 

Then, one day, my astute brosef Alejandro told me I had to watch it. He would tie me up in a chair and duct tape my eyes open if that’s what it took (Is that guy a Lannister or what?!). So, I watched. And he was right. I got an immediate raging female boner and never looked back. I binged on the entire first season over the course of 4 days. And so to you, Alejandro, I would like to say: You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Also, thanks!

Guys! This show is so bueno. I need to talk about it. To those of you who haven’t seen it -- what are you, some kind of loser freak?! Watch it. Also, just FYI, I’m talking fast and loose on this blog tonight. I will only warn you once -- I am going to spoil the shit out of this show. If you don’t want to know, stop reading. And on a side note, people who get outraged about spoilers outrage me. It’s called a media blackout, OK? Try it and get off my wiener, bro. LAST CALL - I am talking about whatever I want that took place in Season 1.

OK, this is the point of no return...here we go, I’m spoiling...Bruce Willis is dead. THE WHOLE TIME. Also, Harry Potter is a horcrux. AND the movie Twilight is horrifically terrible. Oh wait, no, they give that one away in the trailer. BOOM.

Sorry, back to the game at hand. (LOLZ!)

Why do I love Game of Thrones so much?

First and foremost, Peter Dinklage is in it. Though, I just call him The Dink. He’s too cool to not have a nickname and I’m too lazy to come up with something better. 

When I Dink, you Dink, we Dink.
photo source

The Dink is awesome on this show and awesome in general. I mean, have  you seen him in both versions of Death at a Funeral? Kills it. Let it be known that I've seen both versions of this film and they are equally funny, though I only own the English version. This is for two reasons: 1) Mr. Darcy Matthew MacFayden is in the English version and 2) There is something a little disturbing about the coach from Angels in the Outfield shitting all over himself. I can't have that sitting on my movie shelf.

In GoT, The Dink plays Tyrion Lannister. Let’s talk about his fam-jam for a second. The Lannisters are, for the most part, super evil. They are also very, very pro-incest. Super-pro-incest. 

The Lannister Twins: Sharing a womb and a bed since '73
source

Side-bar: Now in my house anytime one of us is even remotely affectionate to another one we call it “Lannistering”, which is perhaps equal parts disturbing and hilarious. But that's why people love us so much. And if you can't make a good incest joke in the comfort of your own home, then the terrorists really have won.

I would also like to add that the Lannisters support my ever growing theory that families in which every member is pale and blonde can never EVER be trusted. See also, the Malfoys. 

Speaking of pale and blonde -- you know who else I love on this show? My girl, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), or as I hope to one day be called, Khaleesi.

Sista eats a horse heart.

Like, the WHOLE heart. It’s gigantic and the scene kind of goes on forever and girlie is just going to town on that thing. She also watched as her stupid brother got the gold crown he was whining about -- a face full of burning gold. Sucka! If only he asked for a golden shower, maybe he’d still be alive. When given the choice, always go with the golden shower, people. 

But anyways, Khaleesi is going to kick some ass this season. Personally, I hope she brings her three cutie baby dragons into King’s Landing and they blow fire balls straight up idiot King Joffrey’s ass. And then we’ll all have a good laugh and eat horse hearts together! Fingers crossed. Can’t wait!

And we can’t forget the Starks. 

Hey, who's that cool family rockin' the fur?
source

Who doesn’t love a Stark? Well, besides Sansa. What a butthead. Am I right? But for the most part, the Starks are pretty solid. Mrs. Stark goes to war like a boss. Robb Stark can invade my territory any day. Arya Stark hates Sansa Stark. Even the little kid Stark is pretty cool. Once he gets paralyzed he rides around on some giant oaf man which is a classic badass move. There is a younger kid Stark, but not even his family cares about him. And of course there’s Ned. Though now headless, he was pretty much the only person on the show with a strong moral compass. One more reason to have no morals, I guess. 

And don’t forget Ned’s hot bastard son, Jon Snow. Jon is my favorite, I think. And, to be honest, I’m a little peeved that he joined a group in which he had to take a vow of chastity. Come on! If anyone should be boning it’s Jon Snow. 

In summation, this show is awesome. You should watch it.

And when it comes down to it, we should all love Game of Thrones if for nothing else than the fact that it has blessed me with this joke that I now use all the time much to the horror of my brothers: 

Winter is coming. And so am I. 

Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

My resting state is obsessed. I guess this is stating the obvious since, well, you’ve read this….and this…and yes, this. I like to think of it more as I just have so much love to give and sometimes that love is inordinately projected onto pop culture items. At least I’m loving something! At least I’m no robot, fool!

Anyway, I thought my first post of 2012 would be a good time to share with my dearest readers, the things that I am currently obsessing over. Well, at least a few of those things. Like I said, I obsess a lot.

I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT FUN FACT: When deciding on this post concept I thought to myself “Yeah, this will be great. Maybe this will show my readers that I’m not just some insane lady who writes about menstruation-inducing films and that I do actually have some taste.” Then I realized that third on this list is a stranger’s unborn child. So…that hope went to shit pretty quickly.

Anything that has to do with The Hunger Games movie. Seriously, anything.

I don’t think there are enough words in the English language to express how insanely excited I am for this movie. Have you read these books yet? If not, please for the love of God, stop being a huge asshole and read them. When they were announcing a new cast member on a daily basis, I was refreshing my twitter feed non-stop. When the trailer came out, I watched it ten times within an hour. And got goose bumps every single time. Now, anytime they release a photo, I need to change my underpants. I’m pretty sure my level of obsession for the lead up to this film warrants an intervention. It’ll be a good one too, because, Hunger Games, I can't quit you, and I don't want to.

White Collar/Matt Bomer

Are you surprised? I know I was when I spent the entirety of New Years Day watching episodes of this show on Netflix. Like, 12 episodes…at least. I’m not a big crime thriller policey TV show watcher, but this, this is rocking my world right now. Did I start watching it because I heard Hilarie Burton aka Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill was in it? Yes. But now I’m watching because it’s SO GOOD. Slick, fun, full of bromance and Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen.

And oh, yeah – this guy:

it took me 10 minutes to decide on a pic.
where I got the photo

UM WHAT? I’m pretty sure Matt Bomer is the most handsome man on the planet, nay, in the universe. So handsome, in fact, that suits were invented just so he would wear them. Seriously, don’t tell my employers (sorry guys!), but yesterday I spent a good 20 minutes just looking up pictures of him. That's my life, folks.

One more? OK.

to be that cell phone...
where I got the photo

Beyonce’s unborn fetus.

This child hasn’t even graced us with its presence yet and I’m obsessed with it. The spawn of Queen B and Mr. Carter? Sign me up. This kid is already awesome and hasn’t even done anything. Obviously, my obsession is rooted in the fact that I’m quite jealous that this kid has been able to spend 9 whole months in Beyonce’s uterus (#213 on my bucket list.) I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they name the kid Maggie. A girl can dream!

Show yourself, Baby Bump Knowles-Carter!
where I got the photo

UPDATE 1/8/12: Did you wake up this morning and sense the extra sassiness in the air? That's because our dear Bey and Jay-Z welcomed their baby girl into the world yesterday! Congratulations, you crazy kids! I don't want to take all the credit for this, buuut... I will take some.

The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach

You know I have to really love this book to lug all 528 pages of it on the subway every morning. You know who isn't obsessed with The Art of Fielding? Every other passenger on my train. I don’t care how crowded the train gets, I won’t put it away. I bump into your junk? I’m sorry, can't you see I'm reading? Keep your junk to yourself, sir. And since the book is too big for me to read while standing, I’ve been refusing to give up my seat for any child, elderly person, and/or pregnant lady. And guess what? I don’t care. You hear that children, elderly, and knocked up ladies of NYC? Y’all can SUCK IT. I’m reading.

Downton Abbey

When I wasn’t watching my new boyfriend Neal Caffrey on White Collar this weekend, I was pretending to be one of the Crawley sisters on Downton Abbey.  Have you guys seen this show? BLOWN AWAY. The entire time I was watching the first season I had it in my head that the second season already aired and I could continue this torrid love affair with my favorite turn of the century British peeps. When I discovered this was untrue, I literally (figuratively) almost had an aneurysm. But then, after I ran around my apartment screaming about how unfair life was in an English accent, I discovered season 2 starts THIS SUNDAY. I’m so glad no one has to die for this travesty anymore. I think some of the melodrama is rubbing off on me. Also, I need a valet.

This animated gif of Paul Rudd doing the best double-take ever captured on film.

Speaks for itself. Thanks Wet Hot American Summer! And thanks Funny or Die for compiling more outstanding Paul Rudd gifs.

And for good measure:

where I got this photo (nope, not heaven)

So what about you, friends? What are you obsessing over these days?

I'll Never Let Go Either, Or: How Titanic Made a Woman Out of Me

The winter of 1997 changed everything. I was in the 7th grade and just starting to adjust to the perfect storm trifecta that was my pubescent awkwardness - glasses, braces, overweight - what I mean to say is, it was an awesome time. Just when I thought I had nailed down how to navigate such circumstances -- be smart but not too smart and always have a joke in your back pocket -- it happened.

I became a woman.

I attribute this transformation to two coinciding incidents.

First, in November of 1997 I got my period. Well, in the the spirit of full disclosure (which I love and my brothers hate), at first I thought my ass was just bleeding uncontrollably (thanks catholic school education!), but then, no, I figured out (was told) it was indeed MENSTRUATION. (more full disclosure: I had to spell check that word. remember when I said smart but not too smart? Still holds true today). 

I wondered why. Why me? Only a handful of other girls in my class has started the great bleed. Why did I, so afflicted with other issues, have to start getting mine? On a day I had gym class no less! Woe! Woe was the 13 year-old me! 

Second: December 1997, Titanic is released (or should I say unleashed) in theaters across the United States of America. 

At the time I had no idea the two events were intertwined. Looking back now, it’s so obvious. Subconsciously, my body was getting ready to receive the insane amount of hormones that would come with watching Titanic. And thus, had no choice but to begin my menstrual cycle one month prior to the film’s release. I bet if they had been keeping some kind of record back then there would be a crazy spike in girls getting their periods right before Titanic came out. Maybe some boys too. That’s how fucking good this movie was.

My period may have been my first timid step into womanhood, but seeing Titanic was a full blown shove face-first into the mud pile that is total femaleness.

Since I’m such a cool lady these days, you may not realize how much of a geek-o for this movie I was. I mean, it changed me, people. 

Did I see it four times in the theater? Yes.

Did I weep uncontrollably every time? Yes.

Did I purchase and constantly play the soundtrack? Yes. And not just “My Heart Will Go On”. All of it.

Did I own The Unauthorized Biography of Leonardo DiCaprio? YES. (I kept it on a shelf next to similar books about Ben Affleck and The Backstreet Boys)

Did I dream of one day boarding an “unsinkable” ship, having a torrid love affair with a poor person, and then having that ship sink only to leave me with a tragic love story to pass along to generation after generation and Bill Paxton? ...errr...yes? Yes.

I was completely and utterly engrossed in Titanic-mania. As an impressionable and hormonal teenage girl, I learned my first lessons of love and sex and marine law from this film.

This was good and bad.

Pro: I learned that dating outside of your social class is OK and sometimes really beneficial to your growth as a human being. Especially if you are bad at spitting.

Con: One should be cautious when a man you met only a day or two ago tells you to close your eyes and stand at the bow of a boat in the middle of the ocean. Two to one he’s going to push you in. It’s just reality.

At the time though, my period and I were only focused on the tragic love story. I mean, how could you watch the “I’ll never let go” scene and not cry? I was watching a clip of it for this post and had to turn it off because I felt things happening inside. If you’re up for some tragedy, watch below.

And I’m still pissed that Jack bites it. Like, come on, Rose! This is the love of your life. You defiled him in the backseat of a stranger’s car! He took you dancing on the lower decks with Irish people! Doesn’t that mean anything these days?! Move your ass over and let him up on your floaty thing! I don’t feel bad for you, Rose DeWitt Bukater. I won’t.

You may be asking why in the hell I am bringing this up now. Well, recently I was strolling through my local cinemaplex and noticed Jack Dawson staring at me. I did a double-take. 

Whhaaaa? 

It was a poster for Titanic. Being re-released in April 2012. IN 3D IMAX. TITANIC. THREE-DEE. Cue the "My Heart Will Go On" Instrumental track because I’m flying, Jack! I'm flying!

You can bet your behind I will be paying the $20 to see this in all it’s 3D IMAX glory. And, if the past has taught me anything, I better stock up on super plus tampons this March.

Just saying.

I wish I knew how to quit you, One Tree Hill!

I’ve been trying to downplay this, but I’m a bottle deep in red wine and am scheduled to get the old visit from Auntie Red Sauce tomorrow, so there is really no holding me back.

I fucking love One Tree Hill.

Sure, it is one of the most ridiculous shows I’ve ever watched. Perhaps one of the most ridiculous ever made. And if there is anything I should in fact feel bad about, it is probably the amount of love I, a 26 year old, have for this television program. But I can’t help it. I adore this show.

Let us mask the ridiculousness of our show by laying in bed
 and looking all sexy like. Even though if people did this in real life
it would be weird and uncomfortable.
photo source

Embrace the crazy, people. It’s just easier that way.

As many of you know, this January will be the 9th and final season of OTH. Now, you may be wondering why I’m not saving this post for the eve of the premiere of the final season. Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t do anything on this blog in a timely manner. I don’t like to be told what to do or when to do it -- this is precisely the same reason why I don’t participate in line dances. Let me be my own person, OK? Jeesh.

However, there is some logic to this post. The final season might not be starting just yet, but I have it on good authority that the final scenes of OTH are being filmed as I type. How do I know this? I may or may not be following almost all of the cast on twitter. What up @SophiaBush?!

Side note: Following Sophia Bush has changed my life and she has been immediately added to my lady crush list. Why? 

1. I discovered that she is this amazing activist. She read a magazine article about the lack of women’s rights in Afghanistan and decided she had to go to see for herself. To Afghanistan. She didn’t end up going becaue bin Laden was killed around the same time. But still, how bad ass is she? I mean, I had to look up how to spell Afghanistan. 
2. She is a super fashionista. She also got me to start painting my nails again. So, Sophia, the world thanks you.
3. She has this awesome scratchy/sexy voice. I want it but I think I would have to smoke an entire pack of cigs at one time while chugging a bottle of rubbing alcohol. It would be totally worth it though.

Ugh! One Tree Hill, why are you leaving me?! I know that all eight past seasons are now on Netflix Instant Stream -- and yes, last weekend I watched 10 episodes in one day, all from my bed -- and your reruns are always on SoapNet -- but I don’t know, it’s just not the same. There’s something comforting knowing that you were still getting down with your crazy-ass self after all these years.

It’s like when you go to the local bodega and find out that the weird smelly lady who would hiss at patrons died. I mean, I never told anyone about our interactions, but I looked forward to them nonetheless.

In honor of my undying love for you and all your insanity, One Tree Hill, I’d now like to share with the world some of the life lessons I’ve learned just by watching you for the past nine years.

(To those of you who have never seen OTH, well first -- shame on you, you bastard! But also, I know you won’t get many of the items to follow, but you should know that I’m hilarious (obviously) and it’s important to expand your horizons. Also, deal with it!)

IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS GLEANED FROM ONE TREE HILL:

• High school boys absolutely love to quote famous authors in voice overs about their newest life obstacle.

• Your first boyfriend in high school is probably your soulmate, so you should definitely marry him during your sophomore year and have a baby before you graduate. Don’t worry, it all works out.

• On your prom night, when you’re being attacked by a crazy stalker that pretended to be your step-brother after watching you on your webcam, make sure to put on your kickboxing gloves and then fight him with moves you and your bestie learned in cheer camp when you were 11. Not only will you defeat your attacker, but if you and your BFF were having some issues, this will totally bring you closer together. 

• It’s super easy to become a best selling author, start a fashion empire, and/or become an NBA superstar all by the time you are 23. If you haven’t accomplished your dreams by then, well, you’re just a slacker and it will probably never happen for you.

• People in North Carolina call each other by their first and last name. All the time.

• When you go to the hospital for a heart transplant, be sure to make sure there are no dogs in the waiting room. If your new heart happens to fall on the ground that dog will eat it. It happens. I’ve seen it.

• The most important moments of your day will always be part of a montage set to the music of the newest indie darling. Some of it will be in slow motion. Some just regular motion.

• Parents don’t exist. Unless they are drug addicts, murderers, or Karen Roe. And that doesn’t even matter because people will in fact rent out apartments to 16 year olds. So who cares?

• It’s totally normal to have long conversations out loud with the tombstone of a deceased loved one in order to fill in some plot holes for the audience. Everybody does it.

• Everyone you know will at some time be hit by a car, beaten, shot, or kidnapped by a crazy/hot nanny. And if they aren’t, well, they just aren’t one of the popular kids.

Guys, I could go on for days. But since I believe One Tree Hill will be teaching me lessons long after it goes off the air, I’ll stop here. 

Dear reader, you may be wondering how I could love a show that I am kind of (totally) making fun of, but in all honesty, these jokes are only this blogger’s weak attempts at masking her grief. Because when that last episode ends this spring, without a doubt I will be ugly crying with all my fellow OTH fans.

One Tree Hill has been a part of my life for nine years. Through college, unemployment, and a few baby steps into adulthood, One Tree Hill has been by my side, always reminding me that, yes I may be crazy, but I'm definitely not bat-shit crazy.

And just in case you don't believe me, here is the infamous "dog eating Dan's heart" clip we all know and love:

So, what was the greatest lesson you learned from One Tree Hill? Share below!

We're lady crushin' y'all!

As my regular readers can attest to, many of the posts here on I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT have to do with my countless crushes on hottie tottie man-boys.

Like this one...

Yowza!
photo source

and this one...

Hey now!
photo source

oh and definitely this one...

'80s sunglasses double take!
photo source

We get it, I have a type: he wears pants. sometimes.

But, I don’t want to be viewed as some woman-hating woman hater who hates women. Cause I’m not. I fiercely believe that women are better than men at almost everything, except maybe having penises. Though that’s debatable. So I thought it was about time for a little girl power up here on this blog. 

In the spirit of amazing women, tonight we will be hardcore LADY CRUSHIN’ Y’ALL. If you were in my head you would be listening to the awesome little jingle I just made up to go with this fun experience (we’re lady crushin’ y’all. la-la-lady crushin’). But, alas, you aren’t. Or...are you?! I’m scared (and buzzed).

Nevertheless, there are just some gals out there who this girl is as equally obsessed with as the aforementioned manmeat. For me a lady crush is a little different than a boy crush though. Sure I would totally make out with any of these ladies if they asked, but more importantly I want to be them. 

Sidebar: At first I was planning on saying “I want to single-white-female them”, but then the paranoid part of me started to worry that such a statement could possibly get me arrested. But just so you know how strongly I love the following people, I might be into single white femaling any of these gals if the occasion arose. Minus the general menacing and the murdering. Just the nice single white femaling activities.

Sidebar to the sidebar: I’ve never actually seen Single White Female. Which is kind of unbelievable since I reference that movie, on average, 3 times a month.

I hope these ladies don’t think I’m being Creepy McCreeperson, but I guess that is all in what their definition of what “I want to be you” is.

For instance, if someone came up to me on the street and told me they wanted to be me, I would probably have the following chain of reactions.

1. Uhh, yeah ya do! I’m awesome!!!!!!!
2. Wait, you probably don’t want a backstage pass to this crazy. You’ll put in all the effort of body-switching with me to really just end up watching 6 hours of SoapNet every weekend. But if you’re in to that, go for it.
3. Woah, let’s back this train up. What does that even mean? Do you want to like slice me up and wear some sort of MamaFre skin jacket around town? Although admittedly very stylish, it’s probably not the most hygienic.
4. Oh! You mean figuratively. Well then, huzzah! 

It’s called rational thinking people. 

Now, without further ado (or more random tangents to buy me time), here are three ladies that I’m currently hardcore crushing on:

Cobie Smulders/Robin Scherbatsky

Yeah you smolder, Smulders!
photo source

Yep, that’s right -- I’m crushing on both the actress and the character that actress plays. They are both separate but equally amazing gals.

First, Cobie is worthy of crushing because, um HELLO she plays Robin Scherbatsky and is hilarious and deserves to be showered in awards. Also, at the Emmys this year everyone was wearing red but not my girl, nope, she stepped out in this hot little number:

She was all "Go suck it, red!"
photo source

She also put on a brave face whilst being put through 4 hours of torture:

Oh, that's so Robin.
photo source

Love her.

And Robin, ugh, Robin is my fave character on How I Met Your Mother. For this youngster trying to figure out her way in the world, I relate to Robin on numerous levels. Also, she smokes cigars, which is pretty badass. And when I start crying on the subway, I think of her crying on the subway and then I feel OK about it.

source

And, if we’re getting technical, I totally was Robin Scherbatsky already. Three Halloweens ago, Robs inspired me and I rocked the night away as her alter ego: Robin Sparkles. 

We truly did.
source

And we did go to the mall that day, my friends.

Don’t be jealous.

So, Cobie & Robin -- I want to be you. Call me!

Kelly Clarkson

My life would suck without you, Kelly
photo source

The number of solo dance parties I’ve had in my bedroom has shot up exponentially in the past two weeks. Why? Kelly Clarkson released a new album last week and it is so good my face melted off. (It happens, check it). This lady crush should be no surprise though if you read my last post. I mean, how many times do I have to tell you? The girl rocked a skirt made of TIES. She’s just the best.

I actually remember the first moment I fell in lady-crush with her. I was an innocent gal just trying to make her way through high school. Then, it happened. It was American Idol Season 1 Big Band Night. Kelly stepped on stage in a polka dot dress and pearls and sang “Stuff Like That There” and KILLED it. The rest, as they say, is obsessive stalker history.

Kelly, I want to be you. Call me!

Beyonce

Who run the world? B.
photo source

OK, people. This is not just a lady crush. Women, men, and children alike are in love with B. 

Fact: When I type Beyonce on my iPhone (which I do, a lot), it autocorrects to BEYONCE. All caps. 

EVEN MY iPHONE IS IN LOVE WITH BEYONCE. 

Beyonce, everyone wants to be you, but call me!

Peoples, I could go on for days and days with all the ladies who I think are doing amazing things out there in pop culture land: Melissa McCarthy, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Brooke Elliot, Helen Mirren, Emma Stone...

It makes me very, very happy that there are so many smart, beautiful, successful chickadees out there doing their thang.

My biggest hope is that right now there is a little peanut girl out there who one day will grow up to have a blog only read by people she forces to, who will profess her undying desire to wear a skin jacket made of me. Then I’ll know I’ve truly made it. 

Fingers crossed.